Making Marriage Work
How did we get to this point? This is one of the most common questions I hear couples ask. It is heavy, as though it is hanging in the air between partners, shapeless and unresolved. They can usually recall what brought them to this point. Little choices, small things, minor infractions. Over time, each step became a lengthening stride at a quickening pace. By the time one partner turned to look for the other, they had grown faint in the distance.
Turning towards our partners is one of the most powerful things we can do in our relationships. We do this by taking the time to notice them, listening to their stories, looking them in the eye, and engaging with what they share. We call these attempts to connect “bids” for attention. They include all of the little ways you and your partner ask for attention, affection, and support. I often tell clients to image that each bid is an opportunity to take a step towards each other…or a step away.
When couples get into the habit of ignoring bids or responding in a way that doesn’t feel supportive, it feels as though a mile has grown between them. This figurative mile represents the distance that has expanded as a result of taking so many steps away from one another. This distance makes it difficult to pick up on bids to reconnect. Imagine standing on opposite ends of a football field from someone and trying to see their facial expressions or understand what they are saying.
Please notice that I said a football field and not the Grand Canyon, a fiery volcano, or some impossible chasm. It is possible to close the gap. What if I told you that you could start any time and that it could as simple as taking three easy steps? Put away your wallet…I’m not selling a solution here. I’m going to offer three choices that I can almost guarantee will NOT make your marriage worse AND will improve the way you relate to your partner. It’s an offer you can’t refuse.
The first step is simple. Are you paying attention? That’s literally it. Pay attention. Your spouse constantly makes small bids for connection—eye contact, a comment, a sigh, a touch. These bids can be subtle or direct—your job is to become aware of these cues.
Second, you will choose to engage. You have three choices—you can turn towards, away, or against your partner. Ignoring or dismissing bids will weaken your connection over time. Not responding is still responding, folks. When you choose to turn towards your partner, keep it simple. Smile, nod, or throw in a “tell me more.” Many people will ignore what they perceive to be a negative bid (i.e. sighing, eye-rolling, etc.), but we’re taking baby steps here. Are you able to remain curious about the need that is being communicated behind these behaviors?
Finally, build a habit of connection. Make it a priority to acknowledge each other when you say hello and goodbye—like a hug and a kiss. Create rituals that are meaningful to both of you, such as having coffee together, checking in, and having conversations without distractions (phones, TV, etc.). The more you turn towards each other, the more you will experience emotional safety and intimacy.
At the core, people are on an endless quest to be known and found worthy. This desire crosses all cultural lines and is not limited to any one belief system. Take a moment to consider how powerful that is—we all desire purpose and connection. Our marriages have the potential to heal old wounds, restore trust, and create new meaning. A thriving marriage won’t just change your relationship—it will change your life.