Momradery

"It's a free country" my friend says for the third time, sitting back in her chair calmly and unphased by our kids' loud voices and flailing arms. "People can sit wherever they want." I laugh because we've now snaked together a series of tables that draw a distinct line in the coffee shop. You're either part of our craziness or you'll need to hit the road with that bagel. We don't do this as often as we'd like, but our kids have been together since the time they grew in our bellies. They excitedly huddle together and remember the things they've grown to love about each other. They also drive each other crazy, but we love each other too...so they need to deal.

"Who's bringing what?" My notifications show that I've missed 60 texts. SIXTY. I scroll through, holding the button down as new texts roll in and take me to the bottom. "Did you rent the boat? What time do we need to be there? Al, can you eat...? Can we ride together? Am I the only one wearing a bikini?" We work out the details of our annual boat day with anticipation. No kids or husbands, just wives. We will sit in the sun and laugh, tell stories, and share life's latest in the privacy of our very own vessel. We can say anything here. Ask anything. Offer everything. I love it so much.

There are a handful of women in my life that I have grown to appreciate for their willingness to go on adventures, speak truth with love, and laugh at the idiotic moments that occur daily in motherhood (and in general). Coffee dates, shopping trips, impromptu adventures, date night, girls' night, karaoke, and Mario Kart. It's an added bonus when our husbands are friends too, but what we have is so much more than a first wives' club.

To me, this is community. I call it momradery. Motherhood is fantastic and terrifying...and I wouldn't want to do it alone. These are my frontline comrades, my sisters in arms. The people I can count on when one of my kids disappears in a crowd, needs a bandaid, or wants to share a story (and they graciously listen). I look up to and learn from them often.

Our oldest and closest group of friends...specifically the coffeehouse taker and boating trip tribe...have been in our lives during the most influential and important changes of adulthood. Our identities changed drastically over the years as we transitioned through marriage, parenthood, faith, and countless other roles that wouldn't fit on one page. We were all adults when we met, but we matured in each other's presence. Not only have they fulfilled a longing for closeness in my life, but they've quenched a thirst that might otherwise leave me searching when I enter new situations.

Let me explain. Preschool, art camp, summer camp, new neighborhood, church, preschool, sports, school, counseling workshops, the gym. We're constantly surrounded by new people and the possibility for connection. Having close friends that I could count on made it easier to enter these situations without feeling like I needed to keep my eyes peeled for a new relationship. I know many people that are in that searching stage...and I know it can be exhausting. I applaud their courage and kindness as they reach out to others. Making friends as an adult can feel really strange sometimes. It can feel really discouraging, too.

Before these friends, we were in another group where we liked the people, but something wasn't fitting. I can't explain it. We were the last to have kids and I know they were anxious for us to understand what it's like to move into that stage of life. I don't know what we were like as the friends without kids, but we didn't babysit nearly enough and we probably had higher expectations about getting out than were realistic. Consider this my apology. When we had our first miscarriage, we felt like our membership had been revoked. Radio silence. We went through it alone and hurt, traveling uncharted and painful territory that was only amplified by how abandoned we felt. We grew apart...and by some precious gift met our now close friends and they became like family. We learned how to be friends with them.

I used to think we would be lucky to have just this one community and I felt very protective of it. But we've been so fortunate to create amazing friendships through church, school, our neighborhood, and sports. Sometimes, it just clicks and you know a relationship will work.

What works:

*Look within: To have a friend, be a friend. This was a game changer for me. When I considered the friend I'd become, I didn't like what I saw. It forced me to think about the things I enjoy in other people and grow the strengths I found in myself. Renewed faith and spiritual growth consistently lead to character development and endurance. There is a dark side to all of this, though. Mine is a people-pleaser. Such a liar. "You get more bees with honey." Sometimes you get stung multiple times in a row and wonder why you wasted your honey on these bees. Our expectations for a controlled outcome can result in greater disappointment. So be aware of your dark side, too. Consider your motives and your anticipated outcome. Then decide if it will be a mutually beneficial relationship.

*Boundaries: Do not underestimate the kindness shown in having boundaries. A boundary is a way of letting others know that we have our limits and some expectations for the way others treat us. They are not meant to control, coerce, or manipulate others. We prevent being over-extended and vulnerable to some potentially negative outcomes, all of which usually leads to bitterness and resentment.

*Differences: With healthy and open communication, different personality types provide such balance. Our friendships consist of introverts, extroverts, introverted extroverts, parents, college students, married without children, vaxxers, non-vaxxers, homeschoolers, private schoolers, public schoolers, tattoos, piercings, believers, atheists, agnostics, stay at home moms, working moms, etc. Our differences, coupled with our respect for one another, make it easier to understand different viewpoints with compassion and respect. In a way, we share common ground in the way we care for the relationship, go through similar stages and experiences, and laugh together at it all.

*Seasonal: We have been outsiders, insiders, friends that want more, friends that want less, and friends that have found it's just right. We have known the pain of wishing we could be a part of a connection that others have. We've felt the awkward disconnect from others wishing we were closer. Friendships that haven't taken off. Others ended. Quick and easy, slow and steady. My husband and I have known so many different seasons of friendship at this point. Having a strong friendship in our marriage made it easier to navigate each of them. Friendships can't be forced or faked.

I would love to hear what has worked for you!