Out of Favor

This isn't a food blog, but I'd love to share one of my favorite recipes with you. It still needs some tweaks, but I think you'll get the main idea.

Disaster

1 c. Criticism (can be substituted with doubt, distance, or relational strain)

1/2 c. Defensive (I use Prove Them Wrong, but any brand will work)

2 T. Changes in routine

2 T. Busy and Active

3 tsp. Parenthood (I mix 3 together here)

2 tsp. Lack of personal bubble (NoSpace is popular)

1/2 tsp. Uncertainty

Pinch of Sleep

Mix all of the ingredients together until a self-doubt peak forms. Cover and freeze overnight. Once thawed, can be reheated and served several times. It could also be used as an add-in to other recipes. Blend with Time to Think, Reading Scripture, Praying, Talking Out With a Friend, or Process What This All Means. Best served as a side.

I know. So corny. You immediately knew what I was doing, didn't you? Last week was extra challenging for me and I finally hit a wall. Not literally, although with my track record zero percent of you would be surprised. The one thing I'm "expected" to be great at right now is motherhood. When I'm not thriving...and I've sacrificed so much of me to be here...I feel like a failure.

When I read Just. You. Wait., Tricia talked about Christian meditation and it was the first time I really thought about the spiritual practice. She shared the difference between standard meditation, where you focus on your own presence, and Scriptural meditation where you are grounded in who God is and what He has done. I downloaded an app that combines biblical truth and traditional practices of thoughtfulness and relaxing the body. We've started to use it in our family as a way to combat anger, anxiety, and whatever difficult emotions we are facing.

Last week, I dealt with failure. I ugly cried my way through meditation while answering questions about the root of my sense of failure. Anytime I have faced a challenge, I can tell myself, "You haven't failed in the past. You won't fail now." But when it comes to relationships, I don't have a high success rate. That makes it easy to believe that I can fall out of favor with God, as well. The lie settles in my heart and I no longer feel "redeemed." I don't know why I allow time to pass for it to make a home there, but my shortcomings and imperfections make it easier to believe I should let it move in.

The app then went on to tell me to ask the Holy Spirit what He would want to say to me in that moment. I immediately felt the words "you are loved" over and over, as if they were being stamped all over my heart. I sort of thought I was saying the easy thing to myself, so I kept looking for the silence to hear other words. But "you are loved" was on repeat. Of course I knew it was true and it wasn't as elaborate as "YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE" but it was the reminder I needed.

The following day was another difficult morning and I wanted to go through a meditation session with the boys. We listened to "Longing" and I heard a verse in a new way that has stuck with me. The speaker brought up Eve not believing that she could trust God, and it occurred to me that the original sin was not exclusively about wanting more, but also about not trusting God's heart for us. Isn't that the sin we have on repeat? When we make choices, we don't always have faith that we can wait for Him. It's hard to believe that if we listen, He will speak. If He's disappointed, what if He distances Himself from me?

In our offenses with one another, we usually believe that the other person is not for us and does not have our best interest at heart. Most of the arguments I break up around here are rooted in the idea that everything their siblings do is to annoy them. It seems silly, but then I catch myself feeling the same way. It is easy to believe that we can fall out of favor with God when others question our motives or deem us unworthy of their time or love.

The kids and I ended up discussing how each of us could do a better job of not expecting the worst from one another or thinking we're out to "get" each other. We vowed to act like a team. We are going to work on remembering our part in both sides of an argument...respecting others' wishes and having grace with others' behaviors.

In my personal time with God, I've been reading the minor prophets. Yikes. What bad timing. Do you know how sometimes you're binging on Netflix and want to stop after the next episode, but it lands on a cliffhanger? So you watch the first part of the next episode until you can find a new place to stop in the middle of that? That's what it's like to read these chapters. Gloom and doom and consequences for sin. Then in the next chapter God will remind the people that He loves them and will redeem them still.

I don't think I'll continue in the minor prophets at this time, but I do get the rhythm of these chapters. Challenges, struggles, heartache, redemption. Failure, disappointment, fallout, redemption. Brokenness, sadness, loneliness, redemption. If history repeats itself, we can trust that there will always be room for redemption. That means that failure is not final. Disappointment does not have the last word. No offense outweighs the power of forgiveness.

Relationship Goals

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to teach a group of teen moms about healthy relationships. Teaching is my jam, y'all. I look at it as an opportunity to discuss hard topics, unearth hidden truths, and encourage others to consider new possibilities. I like a good challenge, so the difficult topics are some of my favorites.

I begin lesson prep the same way, every time...making a list on the back of a receipt, an envelope, or a scrap of cardboard. When inspiration strikes, I don't have time to find paper. I listed what I believed to be the traits of resilient relationships and found a theme forming. I love a good theme. Digging deeper, I found that the same traits that are used to promote wellness in individuals could also apply to healthy relationships. In 1976, Bill Hettler designed the wellness model with six dimensions: physical, emotional, intelluctual, spiritual, occupational, and social. This model has changed over the years, but I love the idea of using these basic principles in a relationship "checkup." While our relationships are not responsible for our personal wellbeing, they should contribute to our overall wellness.

Before we get any further, it's important that we agree on one thing. Healthy relationships begin with healthy people. People that honor the golden rule, treating others the way they want to be treated. But also knowing that they have no control over the way others behave. Their behavior should not be used to manipulate or evoke a desired response from others. Healthy people create goals for themselves and believe they have the basic skills needed to grow and learn and achieve what is most important to them. This growth mindset also involves frequent check-ins to see what's working. This requires honesty and vulnerability. Finally, healthy people recognize the impact relationships have on their wellbeing.

I want you to picture an empty mason jar. That's you. Now consider what wellness currently looks like for you. I'd like you to read the descriptions for the six dimensions of wellness and imagine how much space they would take in the jar.

Physical: exercise, nutrition, sleep, avoiding harmful habits.

Emotional: Comfortable with your thoughts and feelings and the expression of those around you. Intellectual: Actively engaging with others, obtaining new information, developing ideas, understanding differing views.

Spiritual: Seeking purpose, meaning, and existence beyond our physical surroundings. Living in a way that's consistent with personal values and beliefs.

Occupational: Personal satisfaction of using and developing skills, abilities, and talents. Rewarding to contribute to something greater than oneself.

Social: Actively improving the world around through relational growth and contributing to your community. Not only seeking to limit conflict and division socially, but also seeking to care for the environment.

Imagine a jar with each of these dimensions being poured in, almost like layers of sediment or a pretty parfait. Draw a line between each one and show how much space they currently "fill" in your life. Now consider these questions:

Does one area get more attention than others?

Is this healthy and/or working for me?

Is there something that requires more of my time and energy?

Where do I need to make sacrifices in order to feel more balanced?

Have I been focusing more on the appearance of the jar than it's actual contents?

Now that we have a clear picture of you, let's dive into that relationship of yours. Are you ready?

How do healthy relationships encourage our wellbeing?

Promote growth: The very best relationships we will encounter will support the development of positive habits that promote wellness. Personal growth requires grit, resilience, hard work, and endurance. It's not promised to us. This can be confusing because physical growth occurs naturally and without us working for it. We provide the proper nutrition and care, but honestly it can still occur in the absence of these things. However, if we starve our lives of balance and personal achievements, we suffer from stagnancy, falling behind, or even great loss. A partner that believes you have or can develop the skills needed to achieve your goals is a keeper. The one that discourages personal growth often uses manipulation, control, and power struggles. You may need help deciding what will offset this imbalance.

Communication: Being able to discuss, share, and ask questions about various topics is crucial to personal and relational health. The goal is to know your partner and be known by him or her. Communication is a tool...not.a weapon. Healthy relationships allow us to share thoughts, ideas, and values openly and without judgment. If differing viewpoints have the potential to cause damage in your relationship, explore them further and with the help of mentors, counselors, or that wise couple you look up to.

Disagreements: My counselor friends and I are not impressed when you tell us you and your partner never "fight." I'm assuming we're not talking about throwing punches. Conflict is a normal part of any close relationship, so when someone tells me they do not disagree, I feel concerned and have a lot of questions. When people grow close to one another, their differences naturally become apparent and sometimes influence the relationship. Also, we make mistakes and hurt one another. That's normal, too.

A disagreement is an opportunity to "right" a wrong, understand the other person, share values/beliefs/expectations, and grow closer in the relationship. They do not involve violence of any kind, whether verbal or physical. Hitting, pushing, shoving, swearing, yelling, or any other forceful behavior is not helpful. Now the issue is about safety, respect, and personal boundaries. The original issue has been thrown off the table, further away from being resolved.

The issue is best resolved when both people feel that they’ve had a chance to share their part with the goal of helping the relationship, not tearing it down. Blame, shame, and accusations tear the relationship apart. Describe what you are feeling and how you are impacted by the other person’s behavior with the goal of understanding each other better, not getting the upper hand, winning the fight, or proving them wrong.

Consider the kids: This is where it gets messy. A handful of us are raising our kids with our partners and it's just plain hard at times. Some of us are raising kids with a partner that isn't involved. Some of us are doing it alone. Some of us are raising someone else's kids. Others are longing for kids while their partners are disinterested. A group is marked by the grief of infertility and navigating that road painfully and seemingly alone. People aren't themselves when they're grieving. Pain changes us. Many are single parents, forced by some loss to carry the load mostly alone.

The main point that I hope we all can agree on is this: healthy relationships are not at the sacrifice or cost to others. Especially not our kids. We are all juggling the things that are important to us. We all drop the ball in one way or another. The best advice I've received is to not drop the same ball twice in a row.

When children feel as though your time with them is optional, it can be damaging to your relationship with them as well as their ability to trust others. That’s a lot of responsibility, but consider the adults in your life and how your relationships with them impacted the way you trust others.

Boundaries: A boundary is a rule or limit that’s created to protect the individual and the relationship. It defines behavior toward one another and consequences for boundaries that are crossed. Boundaries are important to every part of our wellness. We need them to make decisions, create balance, and recognize what’s important to us. Sharing them honestly allows others to know our expectations. Many boundaries are based on values and life experiences. They are personal and different for everyone. It’s good to talk about them, but be aware of anyone that tries to persuade you to make changes that may be harmful to you, the relationship, or others.

Fit your life: A healthy relationship functions well with other relationships and in a variety of settings. For example, the relationship blends well with friends, family, or other social groups important to each individual. Life is full of transitions and changes. Healthy relationships will grow, change, and adapt during these times.

As a Whole: When someone values you as an individual, they accept the whole person. Your values, beliefs, standards, and dreams. Relationships grow best out of the places that mean the most to us. Shared interests, ideas, and values. Long-term relationships thrive on being able to do things together and enjoy different aspects of life.

As you imagine your relationship jar brimming with these things, in what ways are you thriving? What areas could use some work? Our jars are constantly filled and emptied and the contents rarely remain the same. Knowing who you are and what is most important to you will assist you in the process of carefully selecting the substance of your life.

3 Steps to a Happy Marriage

If you could travel back in time, when would you choose? What moment would you want to relive? What would be your do-over? How would it change your life today?

Mine would be my wedding and honeymoon. I'd like to change it all, please. Knowing what I know now about the people we would become, I could go back and relax, enjoy the moments, and celebrate each one. If I couldn't convince my former self to elope and have a party when we got back (brilliant idea for any of you that aren't married yet), I would at least pare down the guest list and find ways to make it more unique and personal. I would ignore the critics, allow family members to carry the weight of their own problems (without my assistance), and dance until my feet couldn't hold me up anymore. I would hop on that plane to Tahiti, take a thousand more pictures of the bungalow and crystal blue waters, and stop Eva Longoria and Tony Parker to fan girl the heck out of them. I would take longer to wake up and snuggle more, quiet the fears that marriage is terrifying, and let go of the expectations that crippled my joy and contentment.

Thankfully the wedding doesn't make the marriage. We say that a lot now. I can honestly say that after 13 years, I really like my husband. Not all the time. I'm not a maniac. But we've battled through life by each other's side and I can safely say Wade is my best friend. No one makes me laugh harder, puts up with me better, or loves me the way he does.

This hasn't always been the case. Like I said, not a maniac. We have struggled. When our firstborn was under a year, we went to our mentors and told them we thought our marriage was ending. I cried, he yelled, and they sat mostly in silence. They looked really disappointed in us and I interpreted their silence to mean all hope was lost. I'm sure they did offer hope and wisdom and probably remembered feeling something like it when their kids were young. We were just so tired, still very selfish, and grasping at straws to make this life look like what we both wanted it to be. Pretty standard first child stuff. This wasn't our first challenging time and it wouldn't be our last.

After years of me trying to extinguish the fire of conflict with hot air (aka defending myself, explaining my behavior, giving reasons for my part in problems, etc.), it only seemed to make it worse. Our styles of apology didn't line up. My husband felt invalidated and I felt trapped. I still get rattled when we disagree, but I also know it's going to happen and I can't control it. I try to stick with the topic and not let a pile form, which is pretty easy for both of us to do. Sometimes one of us laughs and it cuts the tension. Sometimes only one of us laughs and that does not cut the tension. He's the only person I know that bounces back from confrontation and doesn't let it wreck the relationship. He accepts my humanity.

So that's enough about us. You're here for 3 easy steps to a happy marriage. I get it. I say all of this because I know the toiling that goes into marriage. That's not a word you hear everyday...and I'm not sure I've ever successfully used it in a sentence (until now...boom), but I think it describes the union perfectly. Working hard, tirelessly, incessantly. Goodness, yes. We've tried so many things, read so many lists, exhausted our attempts to redeem a beautiful, glowing marriage. You may even scoff at the idea that something so complex could not be reduced to any 3 things. And to some degree, I would agree. But it's an awfully good start.

3 Steps:

1. Act justly/fairly

2. Love mercy/kindness

3. Walk humbly

These can be found in Micah 6:8. I know some of you are like, "Girl, I'm not reading that Bible" and I hear you. Really, I do! No pressure...be where you are...you do you. But I can't help it if a verse comes to mind, if the words line up and make the most sense to me. The chapter itself only amplifies my certainty that there's some truth here. You've felt that, right? You've read something and the words are stamped into your heart with such emphasis that you find yourself repeating them later.

I thought of this verse and how simply, but fully it stages our love toward one another. When I read the entire chapter, I found that the verses above were all about toiling and trying and failing and suffering and begging for some sort of solution. And the response was sort of like, "Hello? It's all pretty clear and laid out for you. Do these three things."

Life is HARD. No matter what value system you subscribe to...we are all suspeptible to hardships. The only thing we can control is how we respond to them. I have friends that have suffered in their marriages. I have heard stories about the failings and destruction in their lives. My heart has broken for the beautiful dreams that became nightmares for so many. After therapy, 12 step programs, in-patient treatment, incarceration, infidelity, isolation, and countless other offenses and attempts to heal long time wounds, most of those marriages have ended. In their shoes, I understand why someone had to leave. But many of us are in the stages before all of the destructive behavior and damaging habits.

So what do we do?

We can be fair to one another. Choose justice, which means having boundaries, behaving in a way that lines up with our values/morals/social codes. We hold each other accountable because otherwise, we are enabling one another.

We love mercy and kindness. We forgive each other with kindness and love. Not with a ledger in hand and a record of wrongs that require penance. We are compassionate and gracious, even when we have a case against the other person. We do this, not because it is what we're supposed to do...but because we love what it does for our heart and the relationship.

Walk humbly with God. I know. We're not all here. If you're still reading, even though you aren't here...thank you for hanging with it. I will always be for you. Choosing humility over pride will benefit your relationship. Absolutely. The full verse says walk humbly with your God and it has been my experience that allowing this leadership has shaped my heart in a way I can't do on my own. Humility requires submission, but not in a scary bondage sort of way. We submit to leadership, to guidance, to mentorship. Almost like a parent. We don't shrink away from the idea that children should submit to their parents, so it's easy to grasp (through that lens) what healthy submission can look like. So walking humbly with God tells me that my part is to let go of pride and His part is to hold me accountable to the best thing for my relationship with Him...and him. God and Wade. :) His best has always been better than my plans. So I've grown to prefer the humility that involves walking with him, rather than mustering up the sense to be humble and blindly find where that will go.

So there you have it. Three simple, but complex and difficult steps. It's a process. I can almost guarantee that the steps taken to implement these practices into any of your relationships will have a positive outcome. What will it hurt to try?

Trusting the Church

“You look like a loose woman out here.” The woman’s jaw dropped as the shock of this statement landed on her heart. It was laughable. She brushed away sweat with the back of her glove, tiny pieces of mulch freckling her forehead. She couldn’t tell if her cheeks grew red from embarassment or the summer heat sticking to her body under the oversized shirt and long pants.

“Excuse me?” She said, feeling as though she should have kept her distance from the youth pastor’s wife and her mother. The mother looked her up and down and continued.

“You represent our church when you’re out here. You’ll have to change.” She fired several rounds of questions, such as who authorized planting these flowers, who would pay for it, and a couple how-dare-she’s. The woman tried to reason with the mother, but there was no reason here. The pair drove a few feet away to the parrish and the woman could still feel her heart banging in her chest. This was crazy.

It wasn’t long before the elders of the church pulled into the church’s driveway, an unplanned meeting about to take place. As the men left, one of them stopped by the flowerbed as the woman carefully removed weeds and replaced them with flowers to add beauty and life.

“What’s going on? I didn’t know there was a meeting today.” She asked. He went on to tell her there was not. They were called in to discuss the soil-covered woman in front of the building, planting seeds of lust and obviously promising harlotry of many kinds to those that drove by. For all anyone really knew, she could have been the gardener.

This was, of course, not her first experience with legalism in the church. The youth pastor harbored much of the same resentment. In one service, he stood to publicly shame the woman’s husband after he had agreed to help the pastor with a mechanical issue and church purchase. In one sentence, the youth pastor called him brother, then said he could not be trusted because he was not a member. He stood to deny a man's advice because he wasn’t a member of the church. The woman brought her children to the church to pass out flyers and the man hired to shepherd them turned them away because of their inappropriate attire. Long shorts and loose fitting shirts. In one moment of pure humiliation, the woman’s daughter ran to her in church, tears streaming down her angry face. “Why do you make him so mad?” She screamed for all to hear. She went on to tell the woman that he had spent their time in youth group discussing the woman and her inappropriate attire. Her choice to wear pants sent him over the edge. Now that he brought her children into it, she was over it too.

The woman in this story is my mother. Little by little, my family stopped attending church together and altogether left to find a new church home. I cannot express the damage that was done inside those walls. This little church still remains, the youth pastor now leading the charge with his name on the sign my mom once took such care to clean and make look beautiful.

I prayed for salvation and I was baptized in that place, but I didn’t meet Jesus there. I remember growing up in the presence of this youth pastor, the awkward years of maturing and changing and feeling uncomfortable in your own skin. His eyes always met mine with such disgust. No matter what, disgust. I wasn't "saved" because I wanted to know God. I just wanted the ugliness to go away.

To be clear, I’m not here to investigate the motive for us to stay or to vilify the church. It wasn't my job then and it isn't now. I believe my job is to assess the damage and seek restoration. We cannot rewrite a story that has already been written, but we can use it to leverage the story we would like in the end.

Everytime I think of the word leverage, I picture my dad grabbing a long pipe and using it to undo an unmoving, tight fixture on the water heater. He told me he was leveraging his strength with the pipe and as that fixture loosened, the word was planted in my mind with an image of my dad's bear paws. When faced with an unmovable force, you bring out the big guns.

People may attempt to use us as the lever to get what they want, allowing the exertion of force to wear on us. A patsy comes to mind. Being on the other end of people like this can be emotionally and physically exhausting. Perhaps like this story, someone has used a lever of sorts to pry you loose. Your boundaries, your safety, your identity. In our weakened state, it is difficult to imagine moving on. Some do not and their loved ones bear the weight of losing them, emotionally or physically. The story does not have to end here. As long as truth exists, we do not have to live in a lie.

BUT GRACE

It wasn’t until years later when I went to college that I truly met Jesus. I was sitting in a sermon and the pastor began to tell a story about a gay man in the hospital that was dying after a long fight with AIDS. “Here we go,” I remember thinking. Sin, evil, hell. He was going to scare us right into heaven’s gate. I braced myself.

But he didn’t do it. Instead, he told us that he reached out and touched that man’s hand. I leaned in because this was new. He told us about praying with that man, how much God loved that man. He talked about grace…and it changed me.

I wanted to know that God. From that point forward, I sought God and was captivated by His presence. I grew in ways I had never experienced before and prayer became so meaningful to me. He answered prayers that were sometimes very simple and small. He reminded me of the needs of others and gave me wisdom to help others. He became real to me because reading His Bible changed my heart when pretending to be a "good Christian" and going through all the motions could not. My faith continued to have highs and lows, but this experience became a solid foundation for me to look back on and recall His goodness.

Since then, my husband and I have found a church that we love. It is our family. Members move away and schedules change, but this community taught me how to love and be loved. Our everyday lives feel normal in the presence of others that go through the same things. It has taken me some time to trust “the church” again, but that time has not been wasted. I'll admit, I still hesitate to participate in group events and studies. As I grow to trust those in leadership, I feel more comfortable and take it one step at a time. One very small step at a time. The foundation is built, brick by brick. This is our home. It deserves more than a footnote to a story largely consumed by a damaging place. BUT. That’s for another time.

I share this story because I know others have been damaged by “the church” or “Christians.” I put these in quotations because I want to be considered different or separate from them, but I know I have hurt people too. However, I still want to offer hope because God loves us immensely more than the thieves of this world would have us believe. But also, vengeance is His and somebody gonna get got. Solid burn. Until then, we can seek out what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8). If we are being taught anything else, we need to figure out the next best step to grow in our faith. If a negative influence prevents us from doing so, then they have succeeded in stealing that from us.

What works

*Rooted in Truth. My husband and I sought a place that lined up with our values, offered mentorship from older couples that we trusted and looked up to, and relationships that remain some of the closest to this day. Sometimes a sermon is difficult to hear because it presses into my wounds and weaknesses. That’s conviction. Sometimes it might stretch me to wonder if I believe what is being taught, but that's good. It forces me to read the Bible, find a commentary, and really dig into what I believe to be true. I'll give you a hint...the deeper your desire to dig, usually the deeper the well that needs to be filled. When it comes to "other people's problems" (I'm so silly, really, to think this is a thing), I take it at face value and say "preach." When it comes to my teeny, tiny, not-so-bad sins like gossip, slander, or swearing (I love Jesus...but this mouth...), I can nod my head and sort of wince inwardly at the work that needs to be done. These are behavioral adjustments that can only truly be changed by character adjustments. Those are the ones that make me a little thirsty for the truth. If what is being taught does not line up with the Bible, it's time to move on.

*Prayer. Who are we praying to? In our case, directly to God. By way of Jesus' sacrifice. And with the assistance and inner stirring of the Holy Spirit. We believe in the Trinity and that anyone can communicate directly and without assistance. There are no special sayings, secret codes, or educational background needed to stand before the King.

*Faith, not works. This is where it got interesting. My husband and I grew up in strict religious backgrounds that were very works-oriented. Our values line up today and I have our history to thank for that. I'm not being sarcastic...we can usually find something good, even in hard circumstances. The idea that we grow in our faith and that is what shapes us, not a well-organized or neatly printed to-do list that spotlights the good deeds of any saint. We grow in our faith through relationship. Not squeezing our eyes closed and saying "I believe!" at the top of our lungs. This isn't Santa. The guidance is there if we choose to take the outstretched hand before us.

*Forgiveness. It's hard for me to believe some churches don't emphasize this, but we believe the cross is powerful enough to cover any sin. We choose to forgive, no matter how many times we have to lay down the offense and ask for help in letting it go. This does not always mean reconciliation and restoration. Our ability to forgive is planted within the faith that is growing deep in the soil of our hearts. The outcome is different in each relationship because we are still unique human beings with a unique human experience. Some feel called to face their offenders while others maintain solid boundaries. There is no formula or one-size-fits-all solution.

There is so much more. This is the I-know-we-don't-have-all-day-and-this-is-a-good-start version. Each of the above requires some practice on my part to block out the noise and seek what I've experienced to be true. At the end of the day, I am accountable for my own life and each of you for your own, as well. I want that to be a joyful thought, not a prison sentence! I step further away from influences that would say I am shameful and disgust God. I draw closer to those that say I am redeemed. Nothing can separate us from the love of God (Romans 8:38, 39).

I hope you find encouragement in this. I have found that people fail repeatedly, myself included. I struggle with forgiveness, but I also struggle with being perfect. So to avoid a double standard, I have to find compassion and recognize that I don't know the full story that shaped other people's beliefs. I don't need them to behave in any particular way for me to go on about my business. I can acknowledge the impact on my life...and I can tell you this place shaped a lot of the fear and distrust I still have to logically walk myself out the door and away from. I can fish out the lie, replace it with truth, and not live in fear that was specific and situational.

Momradery

"It's a free country" my friend says for the third time, sitting back in her chair calmly and unphased by our kids' loud voices and flailing arms. "People can sit wherever they want." I laugh because we've now snaked together a series of tables that draw a distinct line in the coffee shop. You're either part of our craziness or you'll need to hit the road with that bagel. We don't do this as often as we'd like, but our kids have been together since the time they grew in our bellies. They excitedly huddle together and remember the things they've grown to love about each other. They also drive each other crazy, but we love each other too...so they need to deal.

"Who's bringing what?" My notifications show that I've missed 60 texts. SIXTY. I scroll through, holding the button down as new texts roll in and take me to the bottom. "Did you rent the boat? What time do we need to be there? Al, can you eat...? Can we ride together? Am I the only one wearing a bikini?" We work out the details of our annual boat day with anticipation. No kids or husbands, just wives. We will sit in the sun and laugh, tell stories, and share life's latest in the privacy of our very own vessel. We can say anything here. Ask anything. Offer everything. I love it so much.

There are a handful of women in my life that I have grown to appreciate for their willingness to go on adventures, speak truth with love, and laugh at the idiotic moments that occur daily in motherhood (and in general). Coffee dates, shopping trips, impromptu adventures, date night, girls' night, karaoke, and Mario Kart. It's an added bonus when our husbands are friends too, but what we have is so much more than a first wives' club.

To me, this is community. I call it momradery. Motherhood is fantastic and terrifying...and I wouldn't want to do it alone. These are my frontline comrades, my sisters in arms. The people I can count on when one of my kids disappears in a crowd, needs a bandaid, or wants to share a story (and they graciously listen). I look up to and learn from them often.

Our oldest and closest group of friends...specifically the coffeehouse taker and boating trip tribe...have been in our lives during the most influential and important changes of adulthood. Our identities changed drastically over the years as we transitioned through marriage, parenthood, faith, and countless other roles that wouldn't fit on one page. We were all adults when we met, but we matured in each other's presence. Not only have they fulfilled a longing for closeness in my life, but they've quenched a thirst that might otherwise leave me searching when I enter new situations.

Let me explain. Preschool, art camp, summer camp, new neighborhood, church, preschool, sports, school, counseling workshops, the gym. We're constantly surrounded by new people and the possibility for connection. Having close friends that I could count on made it easier to enter these situations without feeling like I needed to keep my eyes peeled for a new relationship. I know many people that are in that searching stage...and I know it can be exhausting. I applaud their courage and kindness as they reach out to others. Making friends as an adult can feel really strange sometimes. It can feel really discouraging, too.

Before these friends, we were in another group where we liked the people, but something wasn't fitting. I can't explain it. We were the last to have kids and I know they were anxious for us to understand what it's like to move into that stage of life. I don't know what we were like as the friends without kids, but we didn't babysit nearly enough and we probably had higher expectations about getting out than were realistic. Consider this my apology. When we had our first miscarriage, we felt like our membership had been revoked. Radio silence. We went through it alone and hurt, traveling uncharted and painful territory that was only amplified by how abandoned we felt. We grew apart...and by some precious gift met our now close friends and they became like family. We learned how to be friends with them.

I used to think we would be lucky to have just this one community and I felt very protective of it. But we've been so fortunate to create amazing friendships through church, school, our neighborhood, and sports. Sometimes, it just clicks and you know a relationship will work.

What works:

*Look within: To have a friend, be a friend. This was a game changer for me. When I considered the friend I'd become, I didn't like what I saw. It forced me to think about the things I enjoy in other people and grow the strengths I found in myself. Renewed faith and spiritual growth consistently lead to character development and endurance. There is a dark side to all of this, though. Mine is a people-pleaser. Such a liar. "You get more bees with honey." Sometimes you get stung multiple times in a row and wonder why you wasted your honey on these bees. Our expectations for a controlled outcome can result in greater disappointment. So be aware of your dark side, too. Consider your motives and your anticipated outcome. Then decide if it will be a mutually beneficial relationship.

*Boundaries: Do not underestimate the kindness shown in having boundaries. A boundary is a way of letting others know that we have our limits and some expectations for the way others treat us. They are not meant to control, coerce, or manipulate others. We prevent being over-extended and vulnerable to some potentially negative outcomes, all of which usually leads to bitterness and resentment.

*Differences: With healthy and open communication, different personality types provide such balance. Our friendships consist of introverts, extroverts, introverted extroverts, parents, college students, married without children, vaxxers, non-vaxxers, homeschoolers, private schoolers, public schoolers, tattoos, piercings, believers, atheists, agnostics, stay at home moms, working moms, etc. Our differences, coupled with our respect for one another, make it easier to understand different viewpoints with compassion and respect. In a way, we share common ground in the way we care for the relationship, go through similar stages and experiences, and laugh together at it all.

*Seasonal: We have been outsiders, insiders, friends that want more, friends that want less, and friends that have found it's just right. We have known the pain of wishing we could be a part of a connection that others have. We've felt the awkward disconnect from others wishing we were closer. Friendships that haven't taken off. Others ended. Quick and easy, slow and steady. My husband and I have known so many different seasons of friendship at this point. Having a strong friendship in our marriage made it easier to navigate each of them. Friendships can't be forced or faked.

I would love to hear what has worked for you!

Kindness, With Caution

For the month of love (or February, for those that celebrate Valentine's Day and call it quits), our focus has been on showing kindness. We are less than stellar with daily challenges, so I made the boys weekly challenges. Four weeks, three challenges each, one verse to connect to their hearts and change them forever. Obviously. My five year old has difficulty bringing his lunch bag home, bless his heart, so he's sort of just along for the ride. From what I've been told, my eight year old has been completing the tasks each week. He's motivated by how good it feels to show love and help others. At this point, that motivation works and is age appropriate.

This week is all about helping others. Of course it is. Do I have a feel-good story to go along with this theme that also highlights me as a person? Nope. This is the real deal, folks. I thought this blog would be funnier...did I mention that?

SO right at the beginning of our week to help others, I ran into a woman I've "known" for years and have tried to reach out to. We met in a public setting years ago when I saw that she was struggling, that her body was severely damaged, and she was different. The sort of thing that typically causes discomfort, but I felt really drawn to her. It's not my job to tell her story, but right away I learned that she had endured years of trauma and abuse. My heart broke for her. Each time after our first encounter, I would say hello and she would tell the story all over again. She constantly moved her body, even though each step was labored and her body was frail. I tried to help where I could, but I found that no matter how willing she was to move her body, she was not willing to move past that story. It now defined her. It consumed her. She went from saying that she trusted God and that He would sustain her to complete bitterness and disgust for others. As time went on, I started to avoid her in our familiar stomping grounds. Isn't that awful? I tried to help her in so many ways, to put myself in her shoes, to imagine what it would be like to feel so stuck. Out of fear, no doubt, she didn't want to change.

So here we are buying groceries, and she walks by. I honestly thought she was dead, it had been so long since our last encounter. Almost relieved that she was alive, I said her name and asked her how she was. She went on to say things were worse than they had ever been. There was an edge to her tone and I could tell anger was brewing. I looked her in the eye and asked, "What will it take for you to be safe?" I had given specific advice in the past, but people really do need to process change for themselves. She became angry and went on to tell me that people like me weren't helping and that we needed to get her out. I told her it was her life and she said no one would stand by her side. She walked away angry and I didn't know what to say.

I've thought about this incident a lot and hadn't intended to share it. I have mixed feelings about my encounters with this woman. My immediate reaction was that I had "failed" as a believer. That a "better Christian" would have been brave and carried her out of her life that was crumbling. I felt disappointed that all of my efforts meant nothing to her. I felt validating in maintaining boundaries with her. But most of all, I felt so sad for her. She really needs a friend. I bet at some point, it looked like that might be me.

I believe we should reach out to others, move past our comfort zones, and help those in need. My boundaries involved not taking the kids or myself into her dangerous environment, to shield their tiny ears from the horrific details of her life, and to generally guard my heart...whatever that means. I just know a shield was up. Do you know what boundary we needed the most? My honesty.

"I want to help you, but this is what it will look like..."

"I'm sorry. I don't think I'm the person that can help you."

"This is all I will be able to do."

”I don’t know if I can help you, but I can pray for you.”

I don't believe that anything is wasted, so I do feel that there was some purpose to our "relationship." I hope that question is ringing in her heart. "What will it take for you to be safe?" It has been my experience that when someone has a strong reaction to the words we use, it typically means we're getting close to the root of an issue. Someone that hasn't experienced "safety" for years on end would surely feel turned upside down. In counseling, we would often suggest making one small change. One small step away from an old habit is the first step to creating a new one.

I share this story with you to encourage you and challenge you as you reach out to others. Sometimes it's a couple bucks to a person on the side of the exit ramp. Other times, it is someone you see repeatedly. Our kindness is shown not only in reaching out, but considering the heart of the person on the other end of our “good will.” We cannot possibly know all that they are going through, but we can be clear in the ways we will be available to them and ultimately point them to Christ. We weren't meant to depend on one another in life. We are human and we will fail. And that's pretty standard. It was never up to us to carry the weight of the world.

Forgotten Stories

I had forgotten how much I love to write. When I was younger, I would make up stories to cope with stress or simply just to disappear into my own world. Daydreaming has always been my best defense against boredom.

I imagined and wrote so many stories over the years. One story continued. I wrote of a brother and sister escaping a house fire. It was set in the old west. I was pretty into Legends of the Fall and Brad Pitt and what not. Also, I may or may not have listened to the soundtrack while writing. Anyways. The siblings lost their parents and depended on one another as they did not know who else they could trust. I didn’t know it at the time, but this story encompassed so much of what I was feeling in my own family. My parents loved us and also had difficulty hiding their problems. Villains were clear in the story...people in life that I did not trust showed up here.

I shared this story for the first time in a creative writing class. The professor had just shared her own short story, which involved a fire. My classmates didn’t believe me when I said I had been writing this story over and over for years. They assumed it was unoriginal and yawned at the theme of fire. I remember feeling embarrassed and invalidated.

I stopped writing the story when my brother disappeared from my life. It was too painful to consider the story with just my heroine escaping the flames, with no one to trust and no one to turn to. The thought of finishing the story without him in it was unbearable. How on earth would she ever make it alone? The whole thing went up in flames.

Now that I am writing again, my heart is swelling with stories and the beauty of their meaning. I am filled with a love for truth that is woven into the fiber of our experiences.

Jesus was a storyteller. He introduced us to characters we could relate to, stories that seemed familiar, and themes that felt as though they were taken from the pages of our own book.

That story was important to me. It was a way to say, "Hey! I don't think we're doing okay here!" and "I'm not sure we should trust them." As a child, my voice was small. But in that story, I fought fire and stood tall against my enemies.

Tell the story. Write the truth. Be right where you are. Live passionately with the gifts you have been given. Recall a time where you were filled with life and consider what fueled you. It may have been as far back as childhood, when your cares were less. What cares are holding you back now? Tend to them. Where do you find healing? For me, it's always God. A different route, but always the same destination.

It is in our nature to tell stories, whether written or spoken. It is in our nature to be known. It is not in our nature to go up in flames.

Show Up

I woke up slowly, my body still tired from a restless night. After long moments of waking my mind and prying my eyes open, I sat up and realized he was gone. The bed beside me was cold and empty. I stood up abruptly and went to the closet. Suitcase gone. I sunk to the floor and held my head in my hands. I didn't know how long he would be gone and I didn't have the chance to say goodbye. Soon the baby was stirring and I had to go on about my day, earlier than usual but still too late. I knew I would see him again, but my heart ached all the same. Our lives had grown so chaotic and tiresome that somehow I completely missed our important date, our kisses on the hand, our ritual of one last glance, one long hug, and one long goodbye before the distance would fall into place between us.

This. This is the feeling. Longing, loss, sadness, disappointment. There will be distance and you don't have the chance to say goodbye. Something special awaits, but somehow you missed it. I awoke with this feeling yesterday and it still haunts me. The story above is fictional, but captures what my heart felt early that morning. I try to spend the first moments of my day reading the Bible, a book on faith, and writing in my prayer journal. I sacrifice sleep to gain a perspective I cannot muster up on my own.

I looked at the clock and it was 5:30am. Still one full hour of sleep ahead of me and I really felt that I needed it. I felt this whisper in my heart, "Come with me." Not real words, no voice. Just this deep sense that if I got up and spent that time in prayer or devotion, I would find something there. It would be meaningful, special even. It felt important. So I bargained with God and went back to sleep. Before I knew it, the alarm went off and the day began. I felt regret and somehow knew the time we would have wouldn't be the same. It didn't require the same sacrifice that it would have in the dark, early hours.

My daughter woke up a full hour earlier than usual. I closed my book, cut short my time, and plunged into my daily roles without breaks. By the end of the day, I looked at my husband and said "Do you know what I could've used today? One hour more. Just one." I have felt that way before and I will feel it again. But. The One who knows me and knows what is in store for me...called me. Our time together is important, our ritual of listening and sharing, understanding more fully and falling in love with new discoveries about one another. Err my new discoveries because He already knows me. As I have drawn closer to Him in these past few weeks, His heart is made known to me. My heart is made known to me. You guys don't want me without Jesus, TRUST. The passion for life and people is intoxicating.

I ask God to speak clearly and to show up. But am I listening? And do I show up? I am postured for readiness, but my eyes are distracted and elsewhere. How many times have I missed this whisper? This gate to the secret garden, this wardrobe to another land? I seek to be transported, and yet how often do I take the first step?

So I chose not to dwell. You can bet your sweet tush I got out of bed today and made that time happen. There is still a sense that perhaps I missed something, but I also have this new appreciation for who God is. For the mountains He will climb and the rivers He will cross to impact our lives. Ultimately, His provision astounds me. I may have made some new discovery yesterday...maybe I would have been handed the key to unlock the door called "What's Next" for me and felt clarity about the next stage of life. See why I was so disappointed? THAT was on the line. Possibly. However, He still provided a sense of urgency and a repentance that was born out of weakness. Two choices, one future. Nothing in the trash. Nothing wasted, nothing lost. Moving right along. Like a daughter that wants to please her Father, I am listening.

"Before they call, I will answer; while they are yet speaking, I will hear." Isaiah 65:24

Grow Good Things

Welcome friends! If you’re joining me from my previous site, thank you for making the move. Most of us would agree that moving is THE WORST, but sometimes necessary and usually an upgrade. so consider this the second story, the in-ground pool, or the bonus room you always dreamed of. Oh and I for sure left a sock or four thousand dust bunnies behind. Moving on. 

I began blogging with the mission of creating. Maker, Please was my dream of  igniting creativity in others. The name was meant to be tongue-in-cheek and playful, never irreverent. That’s the writing style I pictured and loved. I have found my actual writing voice is much more serious than I anticipated. That must sound strange since I am in control of what I write. I’ve consciously decided to write out of the tender and vulnerable places in life because that’s where I believe real growth takes place.

However, recently I felt that it was time for a name change. My passion to write currently outweighs my desire to create physical objects. This season of life simply forces me to choose between the two. I have shifted  from wanting to share projects and ideas to pointing others to Jesus. It took some time and courage to be able to say that, but it’s the foundation of what I’m building here.

As I’m transferring posts to their new home, I realized Ephesians 2:10 has been the verse behind my work this entire time. It was in my first blog post and it was the driving force between me taking this blog to the next level. At a women’s conference recently, I heard the NLT version of this verse, which read “for we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” I started writing to point you to a creative God that has designed you to be creative, too. But when the words pour out, I find myself wanting you to see the good things set before you today. Your good things. Not her good things. Not all good things. But the good things set before you.

Thanks for joining me here. I hope that the same words that resonate in my heart will take shape and move in you. We are all creative in one way or another. We all were designed with a purpose and intention. Good works were literally set before us to ensure that we would make an impact and be known. You CAN take a step from the daily grind and find a moment to breathe into the places that light you up inside. Together let’s find the good things set before you today.