Trusting the Church
“You look like a loose woman out here.” The woman’s jaw dropped as the shock of this statement landed on her heart. It was laughable. She brushed away sweat with the back of her glove, tiny pieces of mulch freckling her forehead. She couldn’t tell if her cheeks grew red from embarassment or the summer heat sticking to her body under the oversized shirt and long pants.
“Excuse me?” She said, feeling as though she should have kept her distance from the youth pastor’s wife and her mother. The mother looked her up and down and continued.
“You represent our church when you’re out here. You’ll have to change.” She fired several rounds of questions, such as who authorized planting these flowers, who would pay for it, and a couple how-dare-she’s. The woman tried to reason with the mother, but there was no reason here. The pair drove a few feet away to the parrish and the woman could still feel her heart banging in her chest. This was crazy.
It wasn’t long before the elders of the church pulled into the church’s driveway, an unplanned meeting about to take place. As the men left, one of them stopped by the flowerbed as the woman carefully removed weeds and replaced them with flowers to add beauty and life.
“What’s going on? I didn’t know there was a meeting today.” She asked. He went on to tell her there was not. They were called in to discuss the soil-covered woman in front of the building, planting seeds of lust and obviously promising harlotry of many kinds to those that drove by. For all anyone really knew, she could have been the gardener.
This was, of course, not her first experience with legalism in the church. The youth pastor harbored much of the same resentment. In one service, he stood to publicly shame the woman’s husband after he had agreed to help the pastor with a mechanical issue and church purchase. In one sentence, the youth pastor called him brother, then said he could not be trusted because he was not a member. He stood to deny a man's advice because he wasn’t a member of the church. The woman brought her children to the church to pass out flyers and the man hired to shepherd them turned them away because of their inappropriate attire. Long shorts and loose fitting shirts. In one moment of pure humiliation, the woman’s daughter ran to her in church, tears streaming down her angry face. “Why do you make him so mad?” She screamed for all to hear. She went on to tell the woman that he had spent their time in youth group discussing the woman and her inappropriate attire. Her choice to wear pants sent him over the edge. Now that he brought her children into it, she was over it too.
The woman in this story is my mother. Little by little, my family stopped attending church together and altogether left to find a new church home. I cannot express the damage that was done inside those walls. This little church still remains, the youth pastor now leading the charge with his name on the sign my mom once took such care to clean and make look beautiful.
I prayed for salvation and I was baptized in that place, but I didn’t meet Jesus there. I remember growing up in the presence of this youth pastor, the awkward years of maturing and changing and feeling uncomfortable in your own skin. His eyes always met mine with such disgust. No matter what, disgust. I wasn't "saved" because I wanted to know God. I just wanted the ugliness to go away.
To be clear, I’m not here to investigate the motive for us to stay or to vilify the church. It wasn't my job then and it isn't now. I believe my job is to assess the damage and seek restoration. We cannot rewrite a story that has already been written, but we can use it to leverage the story we would like in the end.
Everytime I think of the word leverage, I picture my dad grabbing a long pipe and using it to undo an unmoving, tight fixture on the water heater. He told me he was leveraging his strength with the pipe and as that fixture loosened, the word was planted in my mind with an image of my dad's bear paws. When faced with an unmovable force, you bring out the big guns.
People may attempt to use us as the lever to get what they want, allowing the exertion of force to wear on us. A patsy comes to mind. Being on the other end of people like this can be emotionally and physically exhausting. Perhaps like this story, someone has used a lever of sorts to pry you loose. Your boundaries, your safety, your identity. In our weakened state, it is difficult to imagine moving on. Some do not and their loved ones bear the weight of losing them, emotionally or physically. The story does not have to end here. As long as truth exists, we do not have to live in a lie.
BUT GRACE
It wasn’t until years later when I went to college that I truly met Jesus. I was sitting in a sermon and the pastor began to tell a story about a gay man in the hospital that was dying after a long fight with AIDS. “Here we go,” I remember thinking. Sin, evil, hell. He was going to scare us right into heaven’s gate. I braced myself.
But he didn’t do it. Instead, he told us that he reached out and touched that man’s hand. I leaned in because this was new. He told us about praying with that man, how much God loved that man. He talked about grace…and it changed me.
I wanted to know that God. From that point forward, I sought God and was captivated by His presence. I grew in ways I had never experienced before and prayer became so meaningful to me. He answered prayers that were sometimes very simple and small. He reminded me of the needs of others and gave me wisdom to help others. He became real to me because reading His Bible changed my heart when pretending to be a "good Christian" and going through all the motions could not. My faith continued to have highs and lows, but this experience became a solid foundation for me to look back on and recall His goodness.
Since then, my husband and I have found a church that we love. It is our family. Members move away and schedules change, but this community taught me how to love and be loved. Our everyday lives feel normal in the presence of others that go through the same things. It has taken me some time to trust “the church” again, but that time has not been wasted. I'll admit, I still hesitate to participate in group events and studies. As I grow to trust those in leadership, I feel more comfortable and take it one step at a time. One very small step at a time. The foundation is built, brick by brick. This is our home. It deserves more than a footnote to a story largely consumed by a damaging place. BUT. That’s for another time.
I share this story because I know others have been damaged by “the church” or “Christians.” I put these in quotations because I want to be considered different or separate from them, but I know I have hurt people too. However, I still want to offer hope because God loves us immensely more than the thieves of this world would have us believe. But also, vengeance is His and somebody gonna get got. Solid burn. Until then, we can seek out what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8). If we are being taught anything else, we need to figure out the next best step to grow in our faith. If a negative influence prevents us from doing so, then they have succeeded in stealing that from us.
What works
*Rooted in Truth. My husband and I sought a place that lined up with our values, offered mentorship from older couples that we trusted and looked up to, and relationships that remain some of the closest to this day. Sometimes a sermon is difficult to hear because it presses into my wounds and weaknesses. That’s conviction. Sometimes it might stretch me to wonder if I believe what is being taught, but that's good. It forces me to read the Bible, find a commentary, and really dig into what I believe to be true. I'll give you a hint...the deeper your desire to dig, usually the deeper the well that needs to be filled. When it comes to "other people's problems" (I'm so silly, really, to think this is a thing), I take it at face value and say "preach." When it comes to my teeny, tiny, not-so-bad sins like gossip, slander, or swearing (I love Jesus...but this mouth...), I can nod my head and sort of wince inwardly at the work that needs to be done. These are behavioral adjustments that can only truly be changed by character adjustments. Those are the ones that make me a little thirsty for the truth. If what is being taught does not line up with the Bible, it's time to move on.
*Prayer. Who are we praying to? In our case, directly to God. By way of Jesus' sacrifice. And with the assistance and inner stirring of the Holy Spirit. We believe in the Trinity and that anyone can communicate directly and without assistance. There are no special sayings, secret codes, or educational background needed to stand before the King.
*Faith, not works. This is where it got interesting. My husband and I grew up in strict religious backgrounds that were very works-oriented. Our values line up today and I have our history to thank for that. I'm not being sarcastic...we can usually find something good, even in hard circumstances. The idea that we grow in our faith and that is what shapes us, not a well-organized or neatly printed to-do list that spotlights the good deeds of any saint. We grow in our faith through relationship. Not squeezing our eyes closed and saying "I believe!" at the top of our lungs. This isn't Santa. The guidance is there if we choose to take the outstretched hand before us.
*Forgiveness. It's hard for me to believe some churches don't emphasize this, but we believe the cross is powerful enough to cover any sin. We choose to forgive, no matter how many times we have to lay down the offense and ask for help in letting it go. This does not always mean reconciliation and restoration. Our ability to forgive is planted within the faith that is growing deep in the soil of our hearts. The outcome is different in each relationship because we are still unique human beings with a unique human experience. Some feel called to face their offenders while others maintain solid boundaries. There is no formula or one-size-fits-all solution.
There is so much more. This is the I-know-we-don't-have-all-day-and-this-is-a-good-start version. Each of the above requires some practice on my part to block out the noise and seek what I've experienced to be true. At the end of the day, I am accountable for my own life and each of you for your own, as well. I want that to be a joyful thought, not a prison sentence! I step further away from influences that would say I am shameful and disgust God. I draw closer to those that say I am redeemed. Nothing can separate us from the love of God (Romans 8:38, 39).
I hope you find encouragement in this. I have found that people fail repeatedly, myself included. I struggle with forgiveness, but I also struggle with being perfect. So to avoid a double standard, I have to find compassion and recognize that I don't know the full story that shaped other people's beliefs. I don't need them to behave in any particular way for me to go on about my business. I can acknowledge the impact on my life...and I can tell you this place shaped a lot of the fear and distrust I still have to logically walk myself out the door and away from. I can fish out the lie, replace it with truth, and not live in fear that was specific and situational.
