Out of Favor

This isn't a food blog, but I'd love to share one of my favorite recipes with you. It still needs some tweaks, but I think you'll get the main idea.

Disaster

1 c. Criticism (can be substituted with doubt, distance, or relational strain)

1/2 c. Defensive (I use Prove Them Wrong, but any brand will work)

2 T. Changes in routine

2 T. Busy and Active

3 tsp. Parenthood (I mix 3 together here)

2 tsp. Lack of personal bubble (NoSpace is popular)

1/2 tsp. Uncertainty

Pinch of Sleep

Mix all of the ingredients together until a self-doubt peak forms. Cover and freeze overnight. Once thawed, can be reheated and served several times. It could also be used as an add-in to other recipes. Blend with Time to Think, Reading Scripture, Praying, Talking Out With a Friend, or Process What This All Means. Best served as a side.

I know. So corny. You immediately knew what I was doing, didn't you? Last week was extra challenging for me and I finally hit a wall. Not literally, although with my track record zero percent of you would be surprised. The one thing I'm "expected" to be great at right now is motherhood. When I'm not thriving...and I've sacrificed so much of me to be here...I feel like a failure.

When I read Just. You. Wait., Tricia talked about Christian meditation and it was the first time I really thought about the spiritual practice. She shared the difference between standard meditation, where you focus on your own presence, and Scriptural meditation where you are grounded in who God is and what He has done. I downloaded an app that combines biblical truth and traditional practices of thoughtfulness and relaxing the body. We've started to use it in our family as a way to combat anger, anxiety, and whatever difficult emotions we are facing.

Last week, I dealt with failure. I ugly cried my way through meditation while answering questions about the root of my sense of failure. Anytime I have faced a challenge, I can tell myself, "You haven't failed in the past. You won't fail now." But when it comes to relationships, I don't have a high success rate. That makes it easy to believe that I can fall out of favor with God, as well. The lie settles in my heart and I no longer feel "redeemed." I don't know why I allow time to pass for it to make a home there, but my shortcomings and imperfections make it easier to believe I should let it move in.

The app then went on to tell me to ask the Holy Spirit what He would want to say to me in that moment. I immediately felt the words "you are loved" over and over, as if they were being stamped all over my heart. I sort of thought I was saying the easy thing to myself, so I kept looking for the silence to hear other words. But "you are loved" was on repeat. Of course I knew it was true and it wasn't as elaborate as "YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE" but it was the reminder I needed.

The following day was another difficult morning and I wanted to go through a meditation session with the boys. We listened to "Longing" and I heard a verse in a new way that has stuck with me. The speaker brought up Eve not believing that she could trust God, and it occurred to me that the original sin was not exclusively about wanting more, but also about not trusting God's heart for us. Isn't that the sin we have on repeat? When we make choices, we don't always have faith that we can wait for Him. It's hard to believe that if we listen, He will speak. If He's disappointed, what if He distances Himself from me?

In our offenses with one another, we usually believe that the other person is not for us and does not have our best interest at heart. Most of the arguments I break up around here are rooted in the idea that everything their siblings do is to annoy them. It seems silly, but then I catch myself feeling the same way. It is easy to believe that we can fall out of favor with God when others question our motives or deem us unworthy of their time or love.

The kids and I ended up discussing how each of us could do a better job of not expecting the worst from one another or thinking we're out to "get" each other. We vowed to act like a team. We are going to work on remembering our part in both sides of an argument...respecting others' wishes and having grace with others' behaviors.

In my personal time with God, I've been reading the minor prophets. Yikes. What bad timing. Do you know how sometimes you're binging on Netflix and want to stop after the next episode, but it lands on a cliffhanger? So you watch the first part of the next episode until you can find a new place to stop in the middle of that? That's what it's like to read these chapters. Gloom and doom and consequences for sin. Then in the next chapter God will remind the people that He loves them and will redeem them still.

I don't think I'll continue in the minor prophets at this time, but I do get the rhythm of these chapters. Challenges, struggles, heartache, redemption. Failure, disappointment, fallout, redemption. Brokenness, sadness, loneliness, redemption. If history repeats itself, we can trust that there will always be room for redemption. That means that failure is not final. Disappointment does not have the last word. No offense outweighs the power of forgiveness.

3 Steps to a Happy Marriage

If you could travel back in time, when would you choose? What moment would you want to relive? What would be your do-over? How would it change your life today?

Mine would be my wedding and honeymoon. I'd like to change it all, please. Knowing what I know now about the people we would become, I could go back and relax, enjoy the moments, and celebrate each one. If I couldn't convince my former self to elope and have a party when we got back (brilliant idea for any of you that aren't married yet), I would at least pare down the guest list and find ways to make it more unique and personal. I would ignore the critics, allow family members to carry the weight of their own problems (without my assistance), and dance until my feet couldn't hold me up anymore. I would hop on that plane to Tahiti, take a thousand more pictures of the bungalow and crystal blue waters, and stop Eva Longoria and Tony Parker to fan girl the heck out of them. I would take longer to wake up and snuggle more, quiet the fears that marriage is terrifying, and let go of the expectations that crippled my joy and contentment.

Thankfully the wedding doesn't make the marriage. We say that a lot now. I can honestly say that after 13 years, I really like my husband. Not all the time. I'm not a maniac. But we've battled through life by each other's side and I can safely say Wade is my best friend. No one makes me laugh harder, puts up with me better, or loves me the way he does.

This hasn't always been the case. Like I said, not a maniac. We have struggled. When our firstborn was under a year, we went to our mentors and told them we thought our marriage was ending. I cried, he yelled, and they sat mostly in silence. They looked really disappointed in us and I interpreted their silence to mean all hope was lost. I'm sure they did offer hope and wisdom and probably remembered feeling something like it when their kids were young. We were just so tired, still very selfish, and grasping at straws to make this life look like what we both wanted it to be. Pretty standard first child stuff. This wasn't our first challenging time and it wouldn't be our last.

After years of me trying to extinguish the fire of conflict with hot air (aka defending myself, explaining my behavior, giving reasons for my part in problems, etc.), it only seemed to make it worse. Our styles of apology didn't line up. My husband felt invalidated and I felt trapped. I still get rattled when we disagree, but I also know it's going to happen and I can't control it. I try to stick with the topic and not let a pile form, which is pretty easy for both of us to do. Sometimes one of us laughs and it cuts the tension. Sometimes only one of us laughs and that does not cut the tension. He's the only person I know that bounces back from confrontation and doesn't let it wreck the relationship. He accepts my humanity.

So that's enough about us. You're here for 3 easy steps to a happy marriage. I get it. I say all of this because I know the toiling that goes into marriage. That's not a word you hear everyday...and I'm not sure I've ever successfully used it in a sentence (until now...boom), but I think it describes the union perfectly. Working hard, tirelessly, incessantly. Goodness, yes. We've tried so many things, read so many lists, exhausted our attempts to redeem a beautiful, glowing marriage. You may even scoff at the idea that something so complex could not be reduced to any 3 things. And to some degree, I would agree. But it's an awfully good start.

3 Steps:

1. Act justly/fairly

2. Love mercy/kindness

3. Walk humbly

These can be found in Micah 6:8. I know some of you are like, "Girl, I'm not reading that Bible" and I hear you. Really, I do! No pressure...be where you are...you do you. But I can't help it if a verse comes to mind, if the words line up and make the most sense to me. The chapter itself only amplifies my certainty that there's some truth here. You've felt that, right? You've read something and the words are stamped into your heart with such emphasis that you find yourself repeating them later.

I thought of this verse and how simply, but fully it stages our love toward one another. When I read the entire chapter, I found that the verses above were all about toiling and trying and failing and suffering and begging for some sort of solution. And the response was sort of like, "Hello? It's all pretty clear and laid out for you. Do these three things."

Life is HARD. No matter what value system you subscribe to...we are all suspeptible to hardships. The only thing we can control is how we respond to them. I have friends that have suffered in their marriages. I have heard stories about the failings and destruction in their lives. My heart has broken for the beautiful dreams that became nightmares for so many. After therapy, 12 step programs, in-patient treatment, incarceration, infidelity, isolation, and countless other offenses and attempts to heal long time wounds, most of those marriages have ended. In their shoes, I understand why someone had to leave. But many of us are in the stages before all of the destructive behavior and damaging habits.

So what do we do?

We can be fair to one another. Choose justice, which means having boundaries, behaving in a way that lines up with our values/morals/social codes. We hold each other accountable because otherwise, we are enabling one another.

We love mercy and kindness. We forgive each other with kindness and love. Not with a ledger in hand and a record of wrongs that require penance. We are compassionate and gracious, even when we have a case against the other person. We do this, not because it is what we're supposed to do...but because we love what it does for our heart and the relationship.

Walk humbly with God. I know. We're not all here. If you're still reading, even though you aren't here...thank you for hanging with it. I will always be for you. Choosing humility over pride will benefit your relationship. Absolutely. The full verse says walk humbly with your God and it has been my experience that allowing this leadership has shaped my heart in a way I can't do on my own. Humility requires submission, but not in a scary bondage sort of way. We submit to leadership, to guidance, to mentorship. Almost like a parent. We don't shrink away from the idea that children should submit to their parents, so it's easy to grasp (through that lens) what healthy submission can look like. So walking humbly with God tells me that my part is to let go of pride and His part is to hold me accountable to the best thing for my relationship with Him...and him. God and Wade. :) His best has always been better than my plans. So I've grown to prefer the humility that involves walking with him, rather than mustering up the sense to be humble and blindly find where that will go.

So there you have it. Three simple, but complex and difficult steps. It's a process. I can almost guarantee that the steps taken to implement these practices into any of your relationships will have a positive outcome. What will it hurt to try?

Trusting the Church

“You look like a loose woman out here.” The woman’s jaw dropped as the shock of this statement landed on her heart. It was laughable. She brushed away sweat with the back of her glove, tiny pieces of mulch freckling her forehead. She couldn’t tell if her cheeks grew red from embarassment or the summer heat sticking to her body under the oversized shirt and long pants.

“Excuse me?” She said, feeling as though she should have kept her distance from the youth pastor’s wife and her mother. The mother looked her up and down and continued.

“You represent our church when you’re out here. You’ll have to change.” She fired several rounds of questions, such as who authorized planting these flowers, who would pay for it, and a couple how-dare-she’s. The woman tried to reason with the mother, but there was no reason here. The pair drove a few feet away to the parrish and the woman could still feel her heart banging in her chest. This was crazy.

It wasn’t long before the elders of the church pulled into the church’s driveway, an unplanned meeting about to take place. As the men left, one of them stopped by the flowerbed as the woman carefully removed weeds and replaced them with flowers to add beauty and life.

“What’s going on? I didn’t know there was a meeting today.” She asked. He went on to tell her there was not. They were called in to discuss the soil-covered woman in front of the building, planting seeds of lust and obviously promising harlotry of many kinds to those that drove by. For all anyone really knew, she could have been the gardener.

This was, of course, not her first experience with legalism in the church. The youth pastor harbored much of the same resentment. In one service, he stood to publicly shame the woman’s husband after he had agreed to help the pastor with a mechanical issue and church purchase. In one sentence, the youth pastor called him brother, then said he could not be trusted because he was not a member. He stood to deny a man's advice because he wasn’t a member of the church. The woman brought her children to the church to pass out flyers and the man hired to shepherd them turned them away because of their inappropriate attire. Long shorts and loose fitting shirts. In one moment of pure humiliation, the woman’s daughter ran to her in church, tears streaming down her angry face. “Why do you make him so mad?” She screamed for all to hear. She went on to tell the woman that he had spent their time in youth group discussing the woman and her inappropriate attire. Her choice to wear pants sent him over the edge. Now that he brought her children into it, she was over it too.

The woman in this story is my mother. Little by little, my family stopped attending church together and altogether left to find a new church home. I cannot express the damage that was done inside those walls. This little church still remains, the youth pastor now leading the charge with his name on the sign my mom once took such care to clean and make look beautiful.

I prayed for salvation and I was baptized in that place, but I didn’t meet Jesus there. I remember growing up in the presence of this youth pastor, the awkward years of maturing and changing and feeling uncomfortable in your own skin. His eyes always met mine with such disgust. No matter what, disgust. I wasn't "saved" because I wanted to know God. I just wanted the ugliness to go away.

To be clear, I’m not here to investigate the motive for us to stay or to vilify the church. It wasn't my job then and it isn't now. I believe my job is to assess the damage and seek restoration. We cannot rewrite a story that has already been written, but we can use it to leverage the story we would like in the end.

Everytime I think of the word leverage, I picture my dad grabbing a long pipe and using it to undo an unmoving, tight fixture on the water heater. He told me he was leveraging his strength with the pipe and as that fixture loosened, the word was planted in my mind with an image of my dad's bear paws. When faced with an unmovable force, you bring out the big guns.

People may attempt to use us as the lever to get what they want, allowing the exertion of force to wear on us. A patsy comes to mind. Being on the other end of people like this can be emotionally and physically exhausting. Perhaps like this story, someone has used a lever of sorts to pry you loose. Your boundaries, your safety, your identity. In our weakened state, it is difficult to imagine moving on. Some do not and their loved ones bear the weight of losing them, emotionally or physically. The story does not have to end here. As long as truth exists, we do not have to live in a lie.

BUT GRACE

It wasn’t until years later when I went to college that I truly met Jesus. I was sitting in a sermon and the pastor began to tell a story about a gay man in the hospital that was dying after a long fight with AIDS. “Here we go,” I remember thinking. Sin, evil, hell. He was going to scare us right into heaven’s gate. I braced myself.

But he didn’t do it. Instead, he told us that he reached out and touched that man’s hand. I leaned in because this was new. He told us about praying with that man, how much God loved that man. He talked about grace…and it changed me.

I wanted to know that God. From that point forward, I sought God and was captivated by His presence. I grew in ways I had never experienced before and prayer became so meaningful to me. He answered prayers that were sometimes very simple and small. He reminded me of the needs of others and gave me wisdom to help others. He became real to me because reading His Bible changed my heart when pretending to be a "good Christian" and going through all the motions could not. My faith continued to have highs and lows, but this experience became a solid foundation for me to look back on and recall His goodness.

Since then, my husband and I have found a church that we love. It is our family. Members move away and schedules change, but this community taught me how to love and be loved. Our everyday lives feel normal in the presence of others that go through the same things. It has taken me some time to trust “the church” again, but that time has not been wasted. I'll admit, I still hesitate to participate in group events and studies. As I grow to trust those in leadership, I feel more comfortable and take it one step at a time. One very small step at a time. The foundation is built, brick by brick. This is our home. It deserves more than a footnote to a story largely consumed by a damaging place. BUT. That’s for another time.

I share this story because I know others have been damaged by “the church” or “Christians.” I put these in quotations because I want to be considered different or separate from them, but I know I have hurt people too. However, I still want to offer hope because God loves us immensely more than the thieves of this world would have us believe. But also, vengeance is His and somebody gonna get got. Solid burn. Until then, we can seek out what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8). If we are being taught anything else, we need to figure out the next best step to grow in our faith. If a negative influence prevents us from doing so, then they have succeeded in stealing that from us.

What works

*Rooted in Truth. My husband and I sought a place that lined up with our values, offered mentorship from older couples that we trusted and looked up to, and relationships that remain some of the closest to this day. Sometimes a sermon is difficult to hear because it presses into my wounds and weaknesses. That’s conviction. Sometimes it might stretch me to wonder if I believe what is being taught, but that's good. It forces me to read the Bible, find a commentary, and really dig into what I believe to be true. I'll give you a hint...the deeper your desire to dig, usually the deeper the well that needs to be filled. When it comes to "other people's problems" (I'm so silly, really, to think this is a thing), I take it at face value and say "preach." When it comes to my teeny, tiny, not-so-bad sins like gossip, slander, or swearing (I love Jesus...but this mouth...), I can nod my head and sort of wince inwardly at the work that needs to be done. These are behavioral adjustments that can only truly be changed by character adjustments. Those are the ones that make me a little thirsty for the truth. If what is being taught does not line up with the Bible, it's time to move on.

*Prayer. Who are we praying to? In our case, directly to God. By way of Jesus' sacrifice. And with the assistance and inner stirring of the Holy Spirit. We believe in the Trinity and that anyone can communicate directly and without assistance. There are no special sayings, secret codes, or educational background needed to stand before the King.

*Faith, not works. This is where it got interesting. My husband and I grew up in strict religious backgrounds that were very works-oriented. Our values line up today and I have our history to thank for that. I'm not being sarcastic...we can usually find something good, even in hard circumstances. The idea that we grow in our faith and that is what shapes us, not a well-organized or neatly printed to-do list that spotlights the good deeds of any saint. We grow in our faith through relationship. Not squeezing our eyes closed and saying "I believe!" at the top of our lungs. This isn't Santa. The guidance is there if we choose to take the outstretched hand before us.

*Forgiveness. It's hard for me to believe some churches don't emphasize this, but we believe the cross is powerful enough to cover any sin. We choose to forgive, no matter how many times we have to lay down the offense and ask for help in letting it go. This does not always mean reconciliation and restoration. Our ability to forgive is planted within the faith that is growing deep in the soil of our hearts. The outcome is different in each relationship because we are still unique human beings with a unique human experience. Some feel called to face their offenders while others maintain solid boundaries. There is no formula or one-size-fits-all solution.

There is so much more. This is the I-know-we-don't-have-all-day-and-this-is-a-good-start version. Each of the above requires some practice on my part to block out the noise and seek what I've experienced to be true. At the end of the day, I am accountable for my own life and each of you for your own, as well. I want that to be a joyful thought, not a prison sentence! I step further away from influences that would say I am shameful and disgust God. I draw closer to those that say I am redeemed. Nothing can separate us from the love of God (Romans 8:38, 39).

I hope you find encouragement in this. I have found that people fail repeatedly, myself included. I struggle with forgiveness, but I also struggle with being perfect. So to avoid a double standard, I have to find compassion and recognize that I don't know the full story that shaped other people's beliefs. I don't need them to behave in any particular way for me to go on about my business. I can acknowledge the impact on my life...and I can tell you this place shaped a lot of the fear and distrust I still have to logically walk myself out the door and away from. I can fish out the lie, replace it with truth, and not live in fear that was specific and situational.

Show Up

I woke up slowly, my body still tired from a restless night. After long moments of waking my mind and prying my eyes open, I sat up and realized he was gone. The bed beside me was cold and empty. I stood up abruptly and went to the closet. Suitcase gone. I sunk to the floor and held my head in my hands. I didn't know how long he would be gone and I didn't have the chance to say goodbye. Soon the baby was stirring and I had to go on about my day, earlier than usual but still too late. I knew I would see him again, but my heart ached all the same. Our lives had grown so chaotic and tiresome that somehow I completely missed our important date, our kisses on the hand, our ritual of one last glance, one long hug, and one long goodbye before the distance would fall into place between us.

This. This is the feeling. Longing, loss, sadness, disappointment. There will be distance and you don't have the chance to say goodbye. Something special awaits, but somehow you missed it. I awoke with this feeling yesterday and it still haunts me. The story above is fictional, but captures what my heart felt early that morning. I try to spend the first moments of my day reading the Bible, a book on faith, and writing in my prayer journal. I sacrifice sleep to gain a perspective I cannot muster up on my own.

I looked at the clock and it was 5:30am. Still one full hour of sleep ahead of me and I really felt that I needed it. I felt this whisper in my heart, "Come with me." Not real words, no voice. Just this deep sense that if I got up and spent that time in prayer or devotion, I would find something there. It would be meaningful, special even. It felt important. So I bargained with God and went back to sleep. Before I knew it, the alarm went off and the day began. I felt regret and somehow knew the time we would have wouldn't be the same. It didn't require the same sacrifice that it would have in the dark, early hours.

My daughter woke up a full hour earlier than usual. I closed my book, cut short my time, and plunged into my daily roles without breaks. By the end of the day, I looked at my husband and said "Do you know what I could've used today? One hour more. Just one." I have felt that way before and I will feel it again. But. The One who knows me and knows what is in store for me...called me. Our time together is important, our ritual of listening and sharing, understanding more fully and falling in love with new discoveries about one another. Err my new discoveries because He already knows me. As I have drawn closer to Him in these past few weeks, His heart is made known to me. My heart is made known to me. You guys don't want me without Jesus, TRUST. The passion for life and people is intoxicating.

I ask God to speak clearly and to show up. But am I listening? And do I show up? I am postured for readiness, but my eyes are distracted and elsewhere. How many times have I missed this whisper? This gate to the secret garden, this wardrobe to another land? I seek to be transported, and yet how often do I take the first step?

So I chose not to dwell. You can bet your sweet tush I got out of bed today and made that time happen. There is still a sense that perhaps I missed something, but I also have this new appreciation for who God is. For the mountains He will climb and the rivers He will cross to impact our lives. Ultimately, His provision astounds me. I may have made some new discovery yesterday...maybe I would have been handed the key to unlock the door called "What's Next" for me and felt clarity about the next stage of life. See why I was so disappointed? THAT was on the line. Possibly. However, He still provided a sense of urgency and a repentance that was born out of weakness. Two choices, one future. Nothing in the trash. Nothing wasted, nothing lost. Moving right along. Like a daughter that wants to please her Father, I am listening.

"Before they call, I will answer; while they are yet speaking, I will hear." Isaiah 65:24

Grow Good Things

Welcome friends! If you’re joining me from my previous site, thank you for making the move. Most of us would agree that moving is THE WORST, but sometimes necessary and usually an upgrade. so consider this the second story, the in-ground pool, or the bonus room you always dreamed of. Oh and I for sure left a sock or four thousand dust bunnies behind. Moving on. 

I began blogging with the mission of creating. Maker, Please was my dream of  igniting creativity in others. The name was meant to be tongue-in-cheek and playful, never irreverent. That’s the writing style I pictured and loved. I have found my actual writing voice is much more serious than I anticipated. That must sound strange since I am in control of what I write. I’ve consciously decided to write out of the tender and vulnerable places in life because that’s where I believe real growth takes place.

However, recently I felt that it was time for a name change. My passion to write currently outweighs my desire to create physical objects. This season of life simply forces me to choose between the two. I have shifted  from wanting to share projects and ideas to pointing others to Jesus. It took some time and courage to be able to say that, but it’s the foundation of what I’m building here.

As I’m transferring posts to their new home, I realized Ephesians 2:10 has been the verse behind my work this entire time. It was in my first blog post and it was the driving force between me taking this blog to the next level. At a women’s conference recently, I heard the NLT version of this verse, which read “for we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” I started writing to point you to a creative God that has designed you to be creative, too. But when the words pour out, I find myself wanting you to see the good things set before you today. Your good things. Not her good things. Not all good things. But the good things set before you.

Thanks for joining me here. I hope that the same words that resonate in my heart will take shape and move in you. We are all creative in one way or another. We all were designed with a purpose and intention. Good works were literally set before us to ensure that we would make an impact and be known. You CAN take a step from the daily grind and find a moment to breathe into the places that light you up inside. Together let’s find the good things set before you today.