Out of Favor

This isn't a food blog, but I'd love to share one of my favorite recipes with you. It still needs some tweaks, but I think you'll get the main idea.

Disaster

1 c. Criticism (can be substituted with doubt, distance, or relational strain)

1/2 c. Defensive (I use Prove Them Wrong, but any brand will work)

2 T. Changes in routine

2 T. Busy and Active

3 tsp. Parenthood (I mix 3 together here)

2 tsp. Lack of personal bubble (NoSpace is popular)

1/2 tsp. Uncertainty

Pinch of Sleep

Mix all of the ingredients together until a self-doubt peak forms. Cover and freeze overnight. Once thawed, can be reheated and served several times. It could also be used as an add-in to other recipes. Blend with Time to Think, Reading Scripture, Praying, Talking Out With a Friend, or Process What This All Means. Best served as a side.

I know. So corny. You immediately knew what I was doing, didn't you? Last week was extra challenging for me and I finally hit a wall. Not literally, although with my track record zero percent of you would be surprised. The one thing I'm "expected" to be great at right now is motherhood. When I'm not thriving...and I've sacrificed so much of me to be here...I feel like a failure.

When I read Just. You. Wait., Tricia talked about Christian meditation and it was the first time I really thought about the spiritual practice. She shared the difference between standard meditation, where you focus on your own presence, and Scriptural meditation where you are grounded in who God is and what He has done. I downloaded an app that combines biblical truth and traditional practices of thoughtfulness and relaxing the body. We've started to use it in our family as a way to combat anger, anxiety, and whatever difficult emotions we are facing.

Last week, I dealt with failure. I ugly cried my way through meditation while answering questions about the root of my sense of failure. Anytime I have faced a challenge, I can tell myself, "You haven't failed in the past. You won't fail now." But when it comes to relationships, I don't have a high success rate. That makes it easy to believe that I can fall out of favor with God, as well. The lie settles in my heart and I no longer feel "redeemed." I don't know why I allow time to pass for it to make a home there, but my shortcomings and imperfections make it easier to believe I should let it move in.

The app then went on to tell me to ask the Holy Spirit what He would want to say to me in that moment. I immediately felt the words "you are loved" over and over, as if they were being stamped all over my heart. I sort of thought I was saying the easy thing to myself, so I kept looking for the silence to hear other words. But "you are loved" was on repeat. Of course I knew it was true and it wasn't as elaborate as "YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE" but it was the reminder I needed.

The following day was another difficult morning and I wanted to go through a meditation session with the boys. We listened to "Longing" and I heard a verse in a new way that has stuck with me. The speaker brought up Eve not believing that she could trust God, and it occurred to me that the original sin was not exclusively about wanting more, but also about not trusting God's heart for us. Isn't that the sin we have on repeat? When we make choices, we don't always have faith that we can wait for Him. It's hard to believe that if we listen, He will speak. If He's disappointed, what if He distances Himself from me?

In our offenses with one another, we usually believe that the other person is not for us and does not have our best interest at heart. Most of the arguments I break up around here are rooted in the idea that everything their siblings do is to annoy them. It seems silly, but then I catch myself feeling the same way. It is easy to believe that we can fall out of favor with God when others question our motives or deem us unworthy of their time or love.

The kids and I ended up discussing how each of us could do a better job of not expecting the worst from one another or thinking we're out to "get" each other. We vowed to act like a team. We are going to work on remembering our part in both sides of an argument...respecting others' wishes and having grace with others' behaviors.

In my personal time with God, I've been reading the minor prophets. Yikes. What bad timing. Do you know how sometimes you're binging on Netflix and want to stop after the next episode, but it lands on a cliffhanger? So you watch the first part of the next episode until you can find a new place to stop in the middle of that? That's what it's like to read these chapters. Gloom and doom and consequences for sin. Then in the next chapter God will remind the people that He loves them and will redeem them still.

I don't think I'll continue in the minor prophets at this time, but I do get the rhythm of these chapters. Challenges, struggles, heartache, redemption. Failure, disappointment, fallout, redemption. Brokenness, sadness, loneliness, redemption. If history repeats itself, we can trust that there will always be room for redemption. That means that failure is not final. Disappointment does not have the last word. No offense outweighs the power of forgiveness.

Identity

When I pictured this blog, I thought to myself,

"Hey girl. Get some great shots of your work and put it out there! You’ve got this!! Let's see who we can encourage because you are ON POINT." I had this life coach sort of mentality and even I was annoyed at my optimism.

So then I started writing about what was working. Coolcoolcool. Bullet points so you don't get lost in a sea of success. A SEA. But to be super honest, I basically just found my footing. The holidays were ROUGH. I spent the month of January checking out and checking the boxes for what I thought things should look like. I really felt like a fake it til you make it mindset was going to bring me home. Nope. Not so.

I sort of lost track of who I am. Wife. Mom. Christian. Artist. Friend. Errr Homemaker. Ummm arti...I mean creative person. Counselor (but I'm not practicing...shhhhh). Trained counselor (that's better). Healthy woman. I mean mostly healthy. No, claim it. HEALTHY. All of these identities sort of bounce around and it's really difficult to decide what is most important right now. So I grab one out of a hat, well then I grab a bunch at once. I mean...I can multitask. Nopenopenope.

All of this work to determine my identity. After several spins on the hamster wheel, I found that I wasn't getting anywhere. And no less fluffy. (Like a hamster...see what I did there?) If I am able to fill so many roles, why is it becoming so difficult to figure out what I should be doing? Who am I supposed to be?

The answer was simple. All of it. Just kidding...it's complicated and always changing! I told another mom a couple weeks ago that balance for me is like a pie that has constantly changing slices. I immediately hated the analogy and realized how it shapes my thinking. The bigger one slice, the smaller another. No room for growth...it all has to "fit in the pan." And when a slice is removed, there's a gaping hole in its absence. That's not balance at all!

The more I thought about it, the more I picture the things that matter to me falling into rings. The center ring is my personal wellbeing and growth. Next is my marriage, then kiddos, relationships, and finally outside interests. There's no rhyme or reason to the traits I listed...I went with my gut and didn't overthink it. I tried not to repeat myself, but it was clear that many of the roles and values would be listed multiple times.

Each growing ring benefits from the development of rings beneath it. In my experience, the reverse is not true. Developing outer rings first and moving inward is less successful because we are shaping our roles and identity based on what others need from us. Always changing, adapting, molding, bending, breaking, building, tearing, falling, listening, watching, waiting. This may cause the inner rings to feel more like quicksand than a solid core.

This can be confusing because putting "first things first" or "majoring in the majors" means you may not have the time for things you'd like to be doing. It feels as though we're sacrificing a part of ourselves for the benefit of others. That's pie-shaped thinking. Growing in each of those rings only makes us stronger and able to offer more to each growing ring.

I find that the pressure to fit a mold is lifted when I base my decisions on the values and beliefs that are important to me. They aren't based on circumstances. I made commitments to my husband when I married him and my children when I brought them into the world. My friends and family have been so influential and crucial to our lives. Extracurriculars are important and do shape our identity. They should not be excluded from our lives. As the "outer layer," they are the culmination of what lies beneath (name of my first horror movie). We fill these roles as a result of...not in place of...our core being.

I started this blog with a very “outside in” mindset. I had goals for what I wanted it to look like and how I wanted to present myself. That was exhausting. Now what I really want is to show up...just as I am...and encourage women to know love, life, and Jesus. It takes courage to say that because being a maker is more universally flattering. Good thing I didn't make this decision based on my outer rings, huh? :)

Kindness, With Caution

For the month of love (or February, for those that celebrate Valentine's Day and call it quits), our focus has been on showing kindness. We are less than stellar with daily challenges, so I made the boys weekly challenges. Four weeks, three challenges each, one verse to connect to their hearts and change them forever. Obviously. My five year old has difficulty bringing his lunch bag home, bless his heart, so he's sort of just along for the ride. From what I've been told, my eight year old has been completing the tasks each week. He's motivated by how good it feels to show love and help others. At this point, that motivation works and is age appropriate.

This week is all about helping others. Of course it is. Do I have a feel-good story to go along with this theme that also highlights me as a person? Nope. This is the real deal, folks. I thought this blog would be funnier...did I mention that?

SO right at the beginning of our week to help others, I ran into a woman I've "known" for years and have tried to reach out to. We met in a public setting years ago when I saw that she was struggling, that her body was severely damaged, and she was different. The sort of thing that typically causes discomfort, but I felt really drawn to her. It's not my job to tell her story, but right away I learned that she had endured years of trauma and abuse. My heart broke for her. Each time after our first encounter, I would say hello and she would tell the story all over again. She constantly moved her body, even though each step was labored and her body was frail. I tried to help where I could, but I found that no matter how willing she was to move her body, she was not willing to move past that story. It now defined her. It consumed her. She went from saying that she trusted God and that He would sustain her to complete bitterness and disgust for others. As time went on, I started to avoid her in our familiar stomping grounds. Isn't that awful? I tried to help her in so many ways, to put myself in her shoes, to imagine what it would be like to feel so stuck. Out of fear, no doubt, she didn't want to change.

So here we are buying groceries, and she walks by. I honestly thought she was dead, it had been so long since our last encounter. Almost relieved that she was alive, I said her name and asked her how she was. She went on to say things were worse than they had ever been. There was an edge to her tone and I could tell anger was brewing. I looked her in the eye and asked, "What will it take for you to be safe?" I had given specific advice in the past, but people really do need to process change for themselves. She became angry and went on to tell me that people like me weren't helping and that we needed to get her out. I told her it was her life and she said no one would stand by her side. She walked away angry and I didn't know what to say.

I've thought about this incident a lot and hadn't intended to share it. I have mixed feelings about my encounters with this woman. My immediate reaction was that I had "failed" as a believer. That a "better Christian" would have been brave and carried her out of her life that was crumbling. I felt disappointed that all of my efforts meant nothing to her. I felt validating in maintaining boundaries with her. But most of all, I felt so sad for her. She really needs a friend. I bet at some point, it looked like that might be me.

I believe we should reach out to others, move past our comfort zones, and help those in need. My boundaries involved not taking the kids or myself into her dangerous environment, to shield their tiny ears from the horrific details of her life, and to generally guard my heart...whatever that means. I just know a shield was up. Do you know what boundary we needed the most? My honesty.

"I want to help you, but this is what it will look like..."

"I'm sorry. I don't think I'm the person that can help you."

"This is all I will be able to do."

”I don’t know if I can help you, but I can pray for you.”

I don't believe that anything is wasted, so I do feel that there was some purpose to our "relationship." I hope that question is ringing in her heart. "What will it take for you to be safe?" It has been my experience that when someone has a strong reaction to the words we use, it typically means we're getting close to the root of an issue. Someone that hasn't experienced "safety" for years on end would surely feel turned upside down. In counseling, we would often suggest making one small change. One small step away from an old habit is the first step to creating a new one.

I share this story with you to encourage you and challenge you as you reach out to others. Sometimes it's a couple bucks to a person on the side of the exit ramp. Other times, it is someone you see repeatedly. Our kindness is shown not only in reaching out, but considering the heart of the person on the other end of our “good will.” We cannot possibly know all that they are going through, but we can be clear in the ways we will be available to them and ultimately point them to Christ. We weren't meant to depend on one another in life. We are human and we will fail. And that's pretty standard. It was never up to us to carry the weight of the world.

Forgotten Stories

I had forgotten how much I love to write. When I was younger, I would make up stories to cope with stress or simply just to disappear into my own world. Daydreaming has always been my best defense against boredom.

I imagined and wrote so many stories over the years. One story continued. I wrote of a brother and sister escaping a house fire. It was set in the old west. I was pretty into Legends of the Fall and Brad Pitt and what not. Also, I may or may not have listened to the soundtrack while writing. Anyways. The siblings lost their parents and depended on one another as they did not know who else they could trust. I didn’t know it at the time, but this story encompassed so much of what I was feeling in my own family. My parents loved us and also had difficulty hiding their problems. Villains were clear in the story...people in life that I did not trust showed up here.

I shared this story for the first time in a creative writing class. The professor had just shared her own short story, which involved a fire. My classmates didn’t believe me when I said I had been writing this story over and over for years. They assumed it was unoriginal and yawned at the theme of fire. I remember feeling embarrassed and invalidated.

I stopped writing the story when my brother disappeared from my life. It was too painful to consider the story with just my heroine escaping the flames, with no one to trust and no one to turn to. The thought of finishing the story without him in it was unbearable. How on earth would she ever make it alone? The whole thing went up in flames.

Now that I am writing again, my heart is swelling with stories and the beauty of their meaning. I am filled with a love for truth that is woven into the fiber of our experiences.

Jesus was a storyteller. He introduced us to characters we could relate to, stories that seemed familiar, and themes that felt as though they were taken from the pages of our own book.

That story was important to me. It was a way to say, "Hey! I don't think we're doing okay here!" and "I'm not sure we should trust them." As a child, my voice was small. But in that story, I fought fire and stood tall against my enemies.

Tell the story. Write the truth. Be right where you are. Live passionately with the gifts you have been given. Recall a time where you were filled with life and consider what fueled you. It may have been as far back as childhood, when your cares were less. What cares are holding you back now? Tend to them. Where do you find healing? For me, it's always God. A different route, but always the same destination.

It is in our nature to tell stories, whether written or spoken. It is in our nature to be known. It is not in our nature to go up in flames.

Show Up

I woke up slowly, my body still tired from a restless night. After long moments of waking my mind and prying my eyes open, I sat up and realized he was gone. The bed beside me was cold and empty. I stood up abruptly and went to the closet. Suitcase gone. I sunk to the floor and held my head in my hands. I didn't know how long he would be gone and I didn't have the chance to say goodbye. Soon the baby was stirring and I had to go on about my day, earlier than usual but still too late. I knew I would see him again, but my heart ached all the same. Our lives had grown so chaotic and tiresome that somehow I completely missed our important date, our kisses on the hand, our ritual of one last glance, one long hug, and one long goodbye before the distance would fall into place between us.

This. This is the feeling. Longing, loss, sadness, disappointment. There will be distance and you don't have the chance to say goodbye. Something special awaits, but somehow you missed it. I awoke with this feeling yesterday and it still haunts me. The story above is fictional, but captures what my heart felt early that morning. I try to spend the first moments of my day reading the Bible, a book on faith, and writing in my prayer journal. I sacrifice sleep to gain a perspective I cannot muster up on my own.

I looked at the clock and it was 5:30am. Still one full hour of sleep ahead of me and I really felt that I needed it. I felt this whisper in my heart, "Come with me." Not real words, no voice. Just this deep sense that if I got up and spent that time in prayer or devotion, I would find something there. It would be meaningful, special even. It felt important. So I bargained with God and went back to sleep. Before I knew it, the alarm went off and the day began. I felt regret and somehow knew the time we would have wouldn't be the same. It didn't require the same sacrifice that it would have in the dark, early hours.

My daughter woke up a full hour earlier than usual. I closed my book, cut short my time, and plunged into my daily roles without breaks. By the end of the day, I looked at my husband and said "Do you know what I could've used today? One hour more. Just one." I have felt that way before and I will feel it again. But. The One who knows me and knows what is in store for me...called me. Our time together is important, our ritual of listening and sharing, understanding more fully and falling in love with new discoveries about one another. Err my new discoveries because He already knows me. As I have drawn closer to Him in these past few weeks, His heart is made known to me. My heart is made known to me. You guys don't want me without Jesus, TRUST. The passion for life and people is intoxicating.

I ask God to speak clearly and to show up. But am I listening? And do I show up? I am postured for readiness, but my eyes are distracted and elsewhere. How many times have I missed this whisper? This gate to the secret garden, this wardrobe to another land? I seek to be transported, and yet how often do I take the first step?

So I chose not to dwell. You can bet your sweet tush I got out of bed today and made that time happen. There is still a sense that perhaps I missed something, but I also have this new appreciation for who God is. For the mountains He will climb and the rivers He will cross to impact our lives. Ultimately, His provision astounds me. I may have made some new discovery yesterday...maybe I would have been handed the key to unlock the door called "What's Next" for me and felt clarity about the next stage of life. See why I was so disappointed? THAT was on the line. Possibly. However, He still provided a sense of urgency and a repentance that was born out of weakness. Two choices, one future. Nothing in the trash. Nothing wasted, nothing lost. Moving right along. Like a daughter that wants to please her Father, I am listening.

"Before they call, I will answer; while they are yet speaking, I will hear." Isaiah 65:24

Grow Good Things

Welcome friends! If you’re joining me from my previous site, thank you for making the move. Most of us would agree that moving is THE WORST, but sometimes necessary and usually an upgrade. so consider this the second story, the in-ground pool, or the bonus room you always dreamed of. Oh and I for sure left a sock or four thousand dust bunnies behind. Moving on. 

I began blogging with the mission of creating. Maker, Please was my dream of  igniting creativity in others. The name was meant to be tongue-in-cheek and playful, never irreverent. That’s the writing style I pictured and loved. I have found my actual writing voice is much more serious than I anticipated. That must sound strange since I am in control of what I write. I’ve consciously decided to write out of the tender and vulnerable places in life because that’s where I believe real growth takes place.

However, recently I felt that it was time for a name change. My passion to write currently outweighs my desire to create physical objects. This season of life simply forces me to choose between the two. I have shifted  from wanting to share projects and ideas to pointing others to Jesus. It took some time and courage to be able to say that, but it’s the foundation of what I’m building here.

As I’m transferring posts to their new home, I realized Ephesians 2:10 has been the verse behind my work this entire time. It was in my first blog post and it was the driving force between me taking this blog to the next level. At a women’s conference recently, I heard the NLT version of this verse, which read “for we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” I started writing to point you to a creative God that has designed you to be creative, too. But when the words pour out, I find myself wanting you to see the good things set before you today. Your good things. Not her good things. Not all good things. But the good things set before you.

Thanks for joining me here. I hope that the same words that resonate in my heart will take shape and move in you. We are all creative in one way or another. We all were designed with a purpose and intention. Good works were literally set before us to ensure that we would make an impact and be known. You CAN take a step from the daily grind and find a moment to breathe into the places that light you up inside. Together let’s find the good things set before you today.