Relationship Goals

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to teach a group of teen moms about healthy relationships. Teaching is my jam, y'all. I look at it as an opportunity to discuss hard topics, unearth hidden truths, and encourage others to consider new possibilities. I like a good challenge, so the difficult topics are some of my favorites.

I begin lesson prep the same way, every time...making a list on the back of a receipt, an envelope, or a scrap of cardboard. When inspiration strikes, I don't have time to find paper. I listed what I believed to be the traits of resilient relationships and found a theme forming. I love a good theme. Digging deeper, I found that the same traits that are used to promote wellness in individuals could also apply to healthy relationships. In 1976, Bill Hettler designed the wellness model with six dimensions: physical, emotional, intelluctual, spiritual, occupational, and social. This model has changed over the years, but I love the idea of using these basic principles in a relationship "checkup." While our relationships are not responsible for our personal wellbeing, they should contribute to our overall wellness.

Before we get any further, it's important that we agree on one thing. Healthy relationships begin with healthy people. People that honor the golden rule, treating others the way they want to be treated. But also knowing that they have no control over the way others behave. Their behavior should not be used to manipulate or evoke a desired response from others. Healthy people create goals for themselves and believe they have the basic skills needed to grow and learn and achieve what is most important to them. This growth mindset also involves frequent check-ins to see what's working. This requires honesty and vulnerability. Finally, healthy people recognize the impact relationships have on their wellbeing.

I want you to picture an empty mason jar. That's you. Now consider what wellness currently looks like for you. I'd like you to read the descriptions for the six dimensions of wellness and imagine how much space they would take in the jar.

Physical: exercise, nutrition, sleep, avoiding harmful habits.

Emotional: Comfortable with your thoughts and feelings and the expression of those around you. Intellectual: Actively engaging with others, obtaining new information, developing ideas, understanding differing views.

Spiritual: Seeking purpose, meaning, and existence beyond our physical surroundings. Living in a way that's consistent with personal values and beliefs.

Occupational: Personal satisfaction of using and developing skills, abilities, and talents. Rewarding to contribute to something greater than oneself.

Social: Actively improving the world around through relational growth and contributing to your community. Not only seeking to limit conflict and division socially, but also seeking to care for the environment.

Imagine a jar with each of these dimensions being poured in, almost like layers of sediment or a pretty parfait. Draw a line between each one and show how much space they currently "fill" in your life. Now consider these questions:

Does one area get more attention than others?

Is this healthy and/or working for me?

Is there something that requires more of my time and energy?

Where do I need to make sacrifices in order to feel more balanced?

Have I been focusing more on the appearance of the jar than it's actual contents?

Now that we have a clear picture of you, let's dive into that relationship of yours. Are you ready?

How do healthy relationships encourage our wellbeing?

Promote growth: The very best relationships we will encounter will support the development of positive habits that promote wellness. Personal growth requires grit, resilience, hard work, and endurance. It's not promised to us. This can be confusing because physical growth occurs naturally and without us working for it. We provide the proper nutrition and care, but honestly it can still occur in the absence of these things. However, if we starve our lives of balance and personal achievements, we suffer from stagnancy, falling behind, or even great loss. A partner that believes you have or can develop the skills needed to achieve your goals is a keeper. The one that discourages personal growth often uses manipulation, control, and power struggles. You may need help deciding what will offset this imbalance.

Communication: Being able to discuss, share, and ask questions about various topics is crucial to personal and relational health. The goal is to know your partner and be known by him or her. Communication is a tool...not.a weapon. Healthy relationships allow us to share thoughts, ideas, and values openly and without judgment. If differing viewpoints have the potential to cause damage in your relationship, explore them further and with the help of mentors, counselors, or that wise couple you look up to.

Disagreements: My counselor friends and I are not impressed when you tell us you and your partner never "fight." I'm assuming we're not talking about throwing punches. Conflict is a normal part of any close relationship, so when someone tells me they do not disagree, I feel concerned and have a lot of questions. When people grow close to one another, their differences naturally become apparent and sometimes influence the relationship. Also, we make mistakes and hurt one another. That's normal, too.

A disagreement is an opportunity to "right" a wrong, understand the other person, share values/beliefs/expectations, and grow closer in the relationship. They do not involve violence of any kind, whether verbal or physical. Hitting, pushing, shoving, swearing, yelling, or any other forceful behavior is not helpful. Now the issue is about safety, respect, and personal boundaries. The original issue has been thrown off the table, further away from being resolved.

The issue is best resolved when both people feel that they’ve had a chance to share their part with the goal of helping the relationship, not tearing it down. Blame, shame, and accusations tear the relationship apart. Describe what you are feeling and how you are impacted by the other person’s behavior with the goal of understanding each other better, not getting the upper hand, winning the fight, or proving them wrong.

Consider the kids: This is where it gets messy. A handful of us are raising our kids with our partners and it's just plain hard at times. Some of us are raising kids with a partner that isn't involved. Some of us are doing it alone. Some of us are raising someone else's kids. Others are longing for kids while their partners are disinterested. A group is marked by the grief of infertility and navigating that road painfully and seemingly alone. People aren't themselves when they're grieving. Pain changes us. Many are single parents, forced by some loss to carry the load mostly alone.

The main point that I hope we all can agree on is this: healthy relationships are not at the sacrifice or cost to others. Especially not our kids. We are all juggling the things that are important to us. We all drop the ball in one way or another. The best advice I've received is to not drop the same ball twice in a row.

When children feel as though your time with them is optional, it can be damaging to your relationship with them as well as their ability to trust others. That’s a lot of responsibility, but consider the adults in your life and how your relationships with them impacted the way you trust others.

Boundaries: A boundary is a rule or limit that’s created to protect the individual and the relationship. It defines behavior toward one another and consequences for boundaries that are crossed. Boundaries are important to every part of our wellness. We need them to make decisions, create balance, and recognize what’s important to us. Sharing them honestly allows others to know our expectations. Many boundaries are based on values and life experiences. They are personal and different for everyone. It’s good to talk about them, but be aware of anyone that tries to persuade you to make changes that may be harmful to you, the relationship, or others.

Fit your life: A healthy relationship functions well with other relationships and in a variety of settings. For example, the relationship blends well with friends, family, or other social groups important to each individual. Life is full of transitions and changes. Healthy relationships will grow, change, and adapt during these times.

As a Whole: When someone values you as an individual, they accept the whole person. Your values, beliefs, standards, and dreams. Relationships grow best out of the places that mean the most to us. Shared interests, ideas, and values. Long-term relationships thrive on being able to do things together and enjoy different aspects of life.

As you imagine your relationship jar brimming with these things, in what ways are you thriving? What areas could use some work? Our jars are constantly filled and emptied and the contents rarely remain the same. Knowing who you are and what is most important to you will assist you in the process of carefully selecting the substance of your life.

Identity

When I pictured this blog, I thought to myself,

"Hey girl. Get some great shots of your work and put it out there! You’ve got this!! Let's see who we can encourage because you are ON POINT." I had this life coach sort of mentality and even I was annoyed at my optimism.

So then I started writing about what was working. Coolcoolcool. Bullet points so you don't get lost in a sea of success. A SEA. But to be super honest, I basically just found my footing. The holidays were ROUGH. I spent the month of January checking out and checking the boxes for what I thought things should look like. I really felt like a fake it til you make it mindset was going to bring me home. Nope. Not so.

I sort of lost track of who I am. Wife. Mom. Christian. Artist. Friend. Errr Homemaker. Ummm arti...I mean creative person. Counselor (but I'm not practicing...shhhhh). Trained counselor (that's better). Healthy woman. I mean mostly healthy. No, claim it. HEALTHY. All of these identities sort of bounce around and it's really difficult to decide what is most important right now. So I grab one out of a hat, well then I grab a bunch at once. I mean...I can multitask. Nopenopenope.

All of this work to determine my identity. After several spins on the hamster wheel, I found that I wasn't getting anywhere. And no less fluffy. (Like a hamster...see what I did there?) If I am able to fill so many roles, why is it becoming so difficult to figure out what I should be doing? Who am I supposed to be?

The answer was simple. All of it. Just kidding...it's complicated and always changing! I told another mom a couple weeks ago that balance for me is like a pie that has constantly changing slices. I immediately hated the analogy and realized how it shapes my thinking. The bigger one slice, the smaller another. No room for growth...it all has to "fit in the pan." And when a slice is removed, there's a gaping hole in its absence. That's not balance at all!

The more I thought about it, the more I picture the things that matter to me falling into rings. The center ring is my personal wellbeing and growth. Next is my marriage, then kiddos, relationships, and finally outside interests. There's no rhyme or reason to the traits I listed...I went with my gut and didn't overthink it. I tried not to repeat myself, but it was clear that many of the roles and values would be listed multiple times.

Each growing ring benefits from the development of rings beneath it. In my experience, the reverse is not true. Developing outer rings first and moving inward is less successful because we are shaping our roles and identity based on what others need from us. Always changing, adapting, molding, bending, breaking, building, tearing, falling, listening, watching, waiting. This may cause the inner rings to feel more like quicksand than a solid core.

This can be confusing because putting "first things first" or "majoring in the majors" means you may not have the time for things you'd like to be doing. It feels as though we're sacrificing a part of ourselves for the benefit of others. That's pie-shaped thinking. Growing in each of those rings only makes us stronger and able to offer more to each growing ring.

I find that the pressure to fit a mold is lifted when I base my decisions on the values and beliefs that are important to me. They aren't based on circumstances. I made commitments to my husband when I married him and my children when I brought them into the world. My friends and family have been so influential and crucial to our lives. Extracurriculars are important and do shape our identity. They should not be excluded from our lives. As the "outer layer," they are the culmination of what lies beneath (name of my first horror movie). We fill these roles as a result of...not in place of...our core being.

I started this blog with a very “outside in” mindset. I had goals for what I wanted it to look like and how I wanted to present myself. That was exhausting. Now what I really want is to show up...just as I am...and encourage women to know love, life, and Jesus. It takes courage to say that because being a maker is more universally flattering. Good thing I didn't make this decision based on my outer rings, huh? :)