Out of Favor

This isn't a food blog, but I'd love to share one of my favorite recipes with you. It still needs some tweaks, but I think you'll get the main idea.

Disaster

1 c. Criticism (can be substituted with doubt, distance, or relational strain)

1/2 c. Defensive (I use Prove Them Wrong, but any brand will work)

2 T. Changes in routine

2 T. Busy and Active

3 tsp. Parenthood (I mix 3 together here)

2 tsp. Lack of personal bubble (NoSpace is popular)

1/2 tsp. Uncertainty

Pinch of Sleep

Mix all of the ingredients together until a self-doubt peak forms. Cover and freeze overnight. Once thawed, can be reheated and served several times. It could also be used as an add-in to other recipes. Blend with Time to Think, Reading Scripture, Praying, Talking Out With a Friend, or Process What This All Means. Best served as a side.

I know. So corny. You immediately knew what I was doing, didn't you? Last week was extra challenging for me and I finally hit a wall. Not literally, although with my track record zero percent of you would be surprised. The one thing I'm "expected" to be great at right now is motherhood. When I'm not thriving...and I've sacrificed so much of me to be here...I feel like a failure.

When I read Just. You. Wait., Tricia talked about Christian meditation and it was the first time I really thought about the spiritual practice. She shared the difference between standard meditation, where you focus on your own presence, and Scriptural meditation where you are grounded in who God is and what He has done. I downloaded an app that combines biblical truth and traditional practices of thoughtfulness and relaxing the body. We've started to use it in our family as a way to combat anger, anxiety, and whatever difficult emotions we are facing.

Last week, I dealt with failure. I ugly cried my way through meditation while answering questions about the root of my sense of failure. Anytime I have faced a challenge, I can tell myself, "You haven't failed in the past. You won't fail now." But when it comes to relationships, I don't have a high success rate. That makes it easy to believe that I can fall out of favor with God, as well. The lie settles in my heart and I no longer feel "redeemed." I don't know why I allow time to pass for it to make a home there, but my shortcomings and imperfections make it easier to believe I should let it move in.

The app then went on to tell me to ask the Holy Spirit what He would want to say to me in that moment. I immediately felt the words "you are loved" over and over, as if they were being stamped all over my heart. I sort of thought I was saying the easy thing to myself, so I kept looking for the silence to hear other words. But "you are loved" was on repeat. Of course I knew it was true and it wasn't as elaborate as "YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE" but it was the reminder I needed.

The following day was another difficult morning and I wanted to go through a meditation session with the boys. We listened to "Longing" and I heard a verse in a new way that has stuck with me. The speaker brought up Eve not believing that she could trust God, and it occurred to me that the original sin was not exclusively about wanting more, but also about not trusting God's heart for us. Isn't that the sin we have on repeat? When we make choices, we don't always have faith that we can wait for Him. It's hard to believe that if we listen, He will speak. If He's disappointed, what if He distances Himself from me?

In our offenses with one another, we usually believe that the other person is not for us and does not have our best interest at heart. Most of the arguments I break up around here are rooted in the idea that everything their siblings do is to annoy them. It seems silly, but then I catch myself feeling the same way. It is easy to believe that we can fall out of favor with God when others question our motives or deem us unworthy of their time or love.

The kids and I ended up discussing how each of us could do a better job of not expecting the worst from one another or thinking we're out to "get" each other. We vowed to act like a team. We are going to work on remembering our part in both sides of an argument...respecting others' wishes and having grace with others' behaviors.

In my personal time with God, I've been reading the minor prophets. Yikes. What bad timing. Do you know how sometimes you're binging on Netflix and want to stop after the next episode, but it lands on a cliffhanger? So you watch the first part of the next episode until you can find a new place to stop in the middle of that? That's what it's like to read these chapters. Gloom and doom and consequences for sin. Then in the next chapter God will remind the people that He loves them and will redeem them still.

I don't think I'll continue in the minor prophets at this time, but I do get the rhythm of these chapters. Challenges, struggles, heartache, redemption. Failure, disappointment, fallout, redemption. Brokenness, sadness, loneliness, redemption. If history repeats itself, we can trust that there will always be room for redemption. That means that failure is not final. Disappointment does not have the last word. No offense outweighs the power of forgiveness.

Relationship Goals

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to teach a group of teen moms about healthy relationships. Teaching is my jam, y'all. I look at it as an opportunity to discuss hard topics, unearth hidden truths, and encourage others to consider new possibilities. I like a good challenge, so the difficult topics are some of my favorites.

I begin lesson prep the same way, every time...making a list on the back of a receipt, an envelope, or a scrap of cardboard. When inspiration strikes, I don't have time to find paper. I listed what I believed to be the traits of resilient relationships and found a theme forming. I love a good theme. Digging deeper, I found that the same traits that are used to promote wellness in individuals could also apply to healthy relationships. In 1976, Bill Hettler designed the wellness model with six dimensions: physical, emotional, intelluctual, spiritual, occupational, and social. This model has changed over the years, but I love the idea of using these basic principles in a relationship "checkup." While our relationships are not responsible for our personal wellbeing, they should contribute to our overall wellness.

Before we get any further, it's important that we agree on one thing. Healthy relationships begin with healthy people. People that honor the golden rule, treating others the way they want to be treated. But also knowing that they have no control over the way others behave. Their behavior should not be used to manipulate or evoke a desired response from others. Healthy people create goals for themselves and believe they have the basic skills needed to grow and learn and achieve what is most important to them. This growth mindset also involves frequent check-ins to see what's working. This requires honesty and vulnerability. Finally, healthy people recognize the impact relationships have on their wellbeing.

I want you to picture an empty mason jar. That's you. Now consider what wellness currently looks like for you. I'd like you to read the descriptions for the six dimensions of wellness and imagine how much space they would take in the jar.

Physical: exercise, nutrition, sleep, avoiding harmful habits.

Emotional: Comfortable with your thoughts and feelings and the expression of those around you. Intellectual: Actively engaging with others, obtaining new information, developing ideas, understanding differing views.

Spiritual: Seeking purpose, meaning, and existence beyond our physical surroundings. Living in a way that's consistent with personal values and beliefs.

Occupational: Personal satisfaction of using and developing skills, abilities, and talents. Rewarding to contribute to something greater than oneself.

Social: Actively improving the world around through relational growth and contributing to your community. Not only seeking to limit conflict and division socially, but also seeking to care for the environment.

Imagine a jar with each of these dimensions being poured in, almost like layers of sediment or a pretty parfait. Draw a line between each one and show how much space they currently "fill" in your life. Now consider these questions:

Does one area get more attention than others?

Is this healthy and/or working for me?

Is there something that requires more of my time and energy?

Where do I need to make sacrifices in order to feel more balanced?

Have I been focusing more on the appearance of the jar than it's actual contents?

Now that we have a clear picture of you, let's dive into that relationship of yours. Are you ready?

How do healthy relationships encourage our wellbeing?

Promote growth: The very best relationships we will encounter will support the development of positive habits that promote wellness. Personal growth requires grit, resilience, hard work, and endurance. It's not promised to us. This can be confusing because physical growth occurs naturally and without us working for it. We provide the proper nutrition and care, but honestly it can still occur in the absence of these things. However, if we starve our lives of balance and personal achievements, we suffer from stagnancy, falling behind, or even great loss. A partner that believes you have or can develop the skills needed to achieve your goals is a keeper. The one that discourages personal growth often uses manipulation, control, and power struggles. You may need help deciding what will offset this imbalance.

Communication: Being able to discuss, share, and ask questions about various topics is crucial to personal and relational health. The goal is to know your partner and be known by him or her. Communication is a tool...not.a weapon. Healthy relationships allow us to share thoughts, ideas, and values openly and without judgment. If differing viewpoints have the potential to cause damage in your relationship, explore them further and with the help of mentors, counselors, or that wise couple you look up to.

Disagreements: My counselor friends and I are not impressed when you tell us you and your partner never "fight." I'm assuming we're not talking about throwing punches. Conflict is a normal part of any close relationship, so when someone tells me they do not disagree, I feel concerned and have a lot of questions. When people grow close to one another, their differences naturally become apparent and sometimes influence the relationship. Also, we make mistakes and hurt one another. That's normal, too.

A disagreement is an opportunity to "right" a wrong, understand the other person, share values/beliefs/expectations, and grow closer in the relationship. They do not involve violence of any kind, whether verbal or physical. Hitting, pushing, shoving, swearing, yelling, or any other forceful behavior is not helpful. Now the issue is about safety, respect, and personal boundaries. The original issue has been thrown off the table, further away from being resolved.

The issue is best resolved when both people feel that they’ve had a chance to share their part with the goal of helping the relationship, not tearing it down. Blame, shame, and accusations tear the relationship apart. Describe what you are feeling and how you are impacted by the other person’s behavior with the goal of understanding each other better, not getting the upper hand, winning the fight, or proving them wrong.

Consider the kids: This is where it gets messy. A handful of us are raising our kids with our partners and it's just plain hard at times. Some of us are raising kids with a partner that isn't involved. Some of us are doing it alone. Some of us are raising someone else's kids. Others are longing for kids while their partners are disinterested. A group is marked by the grief of infertility and navigating that road painfully and seemingly alone. People aren't themselves when they're grieving. Pain changes us. Many are single parents, forced by some loss to carry the load mostly alone.

The main point that I hope we all can agree on is this: healthy relationships are not at the sacrifice or cost to others. Especially not our kids. We are all juggling the things that are important to us. We all drop the ball in one way or another. The best advice I've received is to not drop the same ball twice in a row.

When children feel as though your time with them is optional, it can be damaging to your relationship with them as well as their ability to trust others. That’s a lot of responsibility, but consider the adults in your life and how your relationships with them impacted the way you trust others.

Boundaries: A boundary is a rule or limit that’s created to protect the individual and the relationship. It defines behavior toward one another and consequences for boundaries that are crossed. Boundaries are important to every part of our wellness. We need them to make decisions, create balance, and recognize what’s important to us. Sharing them honestly allows others to know our expectations. Many boundaries are based on values and life experiences. They are personal and different for everyone. It’s good to talk about them, but be aware of anyone that tries to persuade you to make changes that may be harmful to you, the relationship, or others.

Fit your life: A healthy relationship functions well with other relationships and in a variety of settings. For example, the relationship blends well with friends, family, or other social groups important to each individual. Life is full of transitions and changes. Healthy relationships will grow, change, and adapt during these times.

As a Whole: When someone values you as an individual, they accept the whole person. Your values, beliefs, standards, and dreams. Relationships grow best out of the places that mean the most to us. Shared interests, ideas, and values. Long-term relationships thrive on being able to do things together and enjoy different aspects of life.

As you imagine your relationship jar brimming with these things, in what ways are you thriving? What areas could use some work? Our jars are constantly filled and emptied and the contents rarely remain the same. Knowing who you are and what is most important to you will assist you in the process of carefully selecting the substance of your life.

Identity

When I pictured this blog, I thought to myself,

"Hey girl. Get some great shots of your work and put it out there! You’ve got this!! Let's see who we can encourage because you are ON POINT." I had this life coach sort of mentality and even I was annoyed at my optimism.

So then I started writing about what was working. Coolcoolcool. Bullet points so you don't get lost in a sea of success. A SEA. But to be super honest, I basically just found my footing. The holidays were ROUGH. I spent the month of January checking out and checking the boxes for what I thought things should look like. I really felt like a fake it til you make it mindset was going to bring me home. Nope. Not so.

I sort of lost track of who I am. Wife. Mom. Christian. Artist. Friend. Errr Homemaker. Ummm arti...I mean creative person. Counselor (but I'm not practicing...shhhhh). Trained counselor (that's better). Healthy woman. I mean mostly healthy. No, claim it. HEALTHY. All of these identities sort of bounce around and it's really difficult to decide what is most important right now. So I grab one out of a hat, well then I grab a bunch at once. I mean...I can multitask. Nopenopenope.

All of this work to determine my identity. After several spins on the hamster wheel, I found that I wasn't getting anywhere. And no less fluffy. (Like a hamster...see what I did there?) If I am able to fill so many roles, why is it becoming so difficult to figure out what I should be doing? Who am I supposed to be?

The answer was simple. All of it. Just kidding...it's complicated and always changing! I told another mom a couple weeks ago that balance for me is like a pie that has constantly changing slices. I immediately hated the analogy and realized how it shapes my thinking. The bigger one slice, the smaller another. No room for growth...it all has to "fit in the pan." And when a slice is removed, there's a gaping hole in its absence. That's not balance at all!

The more I thought about it, the more I picture the things that matter to me falling into rings. The center ring is my personal wellbeing and growth. Next is my marriage, then kiddos, relationships, and finally outside interests. There's no rhyme or reason to the traits I listed...I went with my gut and didn't overthink it. I tried not to repeat myself, but it was clear that many of the roles and values would be listed multiple times.

Each growing ring benefits from the development of rings beneath it. In my experience, the reverse is not true. Developing outer rings first and moving inward is less successful because we are shaping our roles and identity based on what others need from us. Always changing, adapting, molding, bending, breaking, building, tearing, falling, listening, watching, waiting. This may cause the inner rings to feel more like quicksand than a solid core.

This can be confusing because putting "first things first" or "majoring in the majors" means you may not have the time for things you'd like to be doing. It feels as though we're sacrificing a part of ourselves for the benefit of others. That's pie-shaped thinking. Growing in each of those rings only makes us stronger and able to offer more to each growing ring.

I find that the pressure to fit a mold is lifted when I base my decisions on the values and beliefs that are important to me. They aren't based on circumstances. I made commitments to my husband when I married him and my children when I brought them into the world. My friends and family have been so influential and crucial to our lives. Extracurriculars are important and do shape our identity. They should not be excluded from our lives. As the "outer layer," they are the culmination of what lies beneath (name of my first horror movie). We fill these roles as a result of...not in place of...our core being.

I started this blog with a very “outside in” mindset. I had goals for what I wanted it to look like and how I wanted to present myself. That was exhausting. Now what I really want is to show up...just as I am...and encourage women to know love, life, and Jesus. It takes courage to say that because being a maker is more universally flattering. Good thing I didn't make this decision based on my outer rings, huh? :)

Show Up

I woke up slowly, my body still tired from a restless night. After long moments of waking my mind and prying my eyes open, I sat up and realized he was gone. The bed beside me was cold and empty. I stood up abruptly and went to the closet. Suitcase gone. I sunk to the floor and held my head in my hands. I didn't know how long he would be gone and I didn't have the chance to say goodbye. Soon the baby was stirring and I had to go on about my day, earlier than usual but still too late. I knew I would see him again, but my heart ached all the same. Our lives had grown so chaotic and tiresome that somehow I completely missed our important date, our kisses on the hand, our ritual of one last glance, one long hug, and one long goodbye before the distance would fall into place between us.

This. This is the feeling. Longing, loss, sadness, disappointment. There will be distance and you don't have the chance to say goodbye. Something special awaits, but somehow you missed it. I awoke with this feeling yesterday and it still haunts me. The story above is fictional, but captures what my heart felt early that morning. I try to spend the first moments of my day reading the Bible, a book on faith, and writing in my prayer journal. I sacrifice sleep to gain a perspective I cannot muster up on my own.

I looked at the clock and it was 5:30am. Still one full hour of sleep ahead of me and I really felt that I needed it. I felt this whisper in my heart, "Come with me." Not real words, no voice. Just this deep sense that if I got up and spent that time in prayer or devotion, I would find something there. It would be meaningful, special even. It felt important. So I bargained with God and went back to sleep. Before I knew it, the alarm went off and the day began. I felt regret and somehow knew the time we would have wouldn't be the same. It didn't require the same sacrifice that it would have in the dark, early hours.

My daughter woke up a full hour earlier than usual. I closed my book, cut short my time, and plunged into my daily roles without breaks. By the end of the day, I looked at my husband and said "Do you know what I could've used today? One hour more. Just one." I have felt that way before and I will feel it again. But. The One who knows me and knows what is in store for me...called me. Our time together is important, our ritual of listening and sharing, understanding more fully and falling in love with new discoveries about one another. Err my new discoveries because He already knows me. As I have drawn closer to Him in these past few weeks, His heart is made known to me. My heart is made known to me. You guys don't want me without Jesus, TRUST. The passion for life and people is intoxicating.

I ask God to speak clearly and to show up. But am I listening? And do I show up? I am postured for readiness, but my eyes are distracted and elsewhere. How many times have I missed this whisper? This gate to the secret garden, this wardrobe to another land? I seek to be transported, and yet how often do I take the first step?

So I chose not to dwell. You can bet your sweet tush I got out of bed today and made that time happen. There is still a sense that perhaps I missed something, but I also have this new appreciation for who God is. For the mountains He will climb and the rivers He will cross to impact our lives. Ultimately, His provision astounds me. I may have made some new discovery yesterday...maybe I would have been handed the key to unlock the door called "What's Next" for me and felt clarity about the next stage of life. See why I was so disappointed? THAT was on the line. Possibly. However, He still provided a sense of urgency and a repentance that was born out of weakness. Two choices, one future. Nothing in the trash. Nothing wasted, nothing lost. Moving right along. Like a daughter that wants to please her Father, I am listening.

"Before they call, I will answer; while they are yet speaking, I will hear." Isaiah 65:24