That's What He Said

I love movie quotes. I’m equally partial to shows, books, and podcasts. When a friend loves the same lines, we have the magic. We grow to love the characters so much that we’ll read about the real people behind them and share those details with each other. In a totally healthy, non-parasocial or celebrity worship syndrome sort of way.

I’M FINE.

I wouldn’t say I’ve hit “fan girl” status with the celebrities I love. I do occasionally have this dream that Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell ghost me so hard that I wake up sad in real time. I feel a little defeated, failing once again to lock down what would obviously be a lifelong friendship.

YA BLEW IT.

I’m not sure what’s going on in my subconscious. Some part of me really wants to win them over. I know them from their work and their instagram, with their smily face emoji children in tow. I don’t know them. Most importantly, they don’t know me. I am honestly fine with that, regardless of what my deepest and innermost private thoughts would tell you.

I think that’s what amazes me about the God I learn about in the Bible. In a culture submerged in power struggles, authoritative idealization, and hidden agendas, we meet a Creator that wants to be known. He didn’t create an owner’s manual because each life is so unique and unable to be duplicated. BUT He did provide a road map so that whatever detour you end up on, you can find your way back to the main path.

I mean, doesn’t that make sense? In the same way that we can’t parent each of our kiddos with the exact same methods, but we have a general outcome we’d like to see for each of them. It usually involves health, happiness, and a home of their own. Not our basement.

Taking a closer look at the “road map” (the Bible) involves trying to understand what it is saying, even when it seems inconsequential or minute. The words I might otherwise glaze over could be offering cultural context or themes that continue to exist today. Taking the time to understand these details often unveils such beautiful continuity.

I attended a study several months ago where we prayed the Scripture. We read one line at a time and prayed whatever came to mind. In this case, it didn’t need to include a commentary or the original text. It was so simple and organic the way they spoke to each of our hearts.

I knew this was something I wanted to share on the blog! Now that a new season is around the corner, it seems like the perfect time to get started. I’ve included free prayer cards for you to download and print for yourself. If you’d like to go one step further and laminate them, it appears you and I have the magic too.

These prayer cards can be used in a variety of ways. A verse a week, a day, or hourly. We all have our battles. Pray them over yourself, your family, your co-workers, your classmates, that guy that cut you off on the freeway. I chose verses for courage, kindness, patience, joy, and faith. The sixth card is to keep track of prayers and praises. You can download them when you subscribe to my site. (Sorry…not sorry.)

My hope is that you will experience these things as you pray them over your life. I also suspect the verses will take on different meanings as you face a variety of seasons and circumstances. Scripture is living and active. In this small selection of scripture, my greatest desire is that you will grow in faith because the work being done in you is not explainable or visible to the naked eye.

I know that may not sit well with everyone. Good. Test it and decide whether or not it has merit. In order for truth to hold up over time, it must be valid and reliable. Keep one eye open when something masquerades as truth but balks at a challenge. The only time people will hide things from you are 1. when they’re being dishonest and 2. when they’re planning your surprise party.

I have a wealth of useless knowledge in my head. I can recite more than half of Tommy Boy right here, right now. It may get a laugh, but it won’t cause you to contemplate life on a deeper level. Maybe it will. I’m not judging. My point is that along with Chris Farley quotes from the mid to late nineties (RIP, sweet prince), I can fill my mind with words that actually do have the power to encourage, enlighten, and even defend the rights of others in purposeful ways. Those are the quotes I most want to be known for. How about you?

Relationship Goals

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to teach a group of teen moms about healthy relationships. Teaching is my jam, y'all. I look at it as an opportunity to discuss hard topics, unearth hidden truths, and encourage others to consider new possibilities. I like a good challenge, so the difficult topics are some of my favorites.

I begin lesson prep the same way, every time...making a list on the back of a receipt, an envelope, or a scrap of cardboard. When inspiration strikes, I don't have time to find paper. I listed what I believed to be the traits of resilient relationships and found a theme forming. I love a good theme. Digging deeper, I found that the same traits that are used to promote wellness in individuals could also apply to healthy relationships. In 1976, Bill Hettler designed the wellness model with six dimensions: physical, emotional, intelluctual, spiritual, occupational, and social. This model has changed over the years, but I love the idea of using these basic principles in a relationship "checkup." While our relationships are not responsible for our personal wellbeing, they should contribute to our overall wellness.

Before we get any further, it's important that we agree on one thing. Healthy relationships begin with healthy people. People that honor the golden rule, treating others the way they want to be treated. But also knowing that they have no control over the way others behave. Their behavior should not be used to manipulate or evoke a desired response from others. Healthy people create goals for themselves and believe they have the basic skills needed to grow and learn and achieve what is most important to them. This growth mindset also involves frequent check-ins to see what's working. This requires honesty and vulnerability. Finally, healthy people recognize the impact relationships have on their wellbeing.

I want you to picture an empty mason jar. That's you. Now consider what wellness currently looks like for you. I'd like you to read the descriptions for the six dimensions of wellness and imagine how much space they would take in the jar.

Physical: exercise, nutrition, sleep, avoiding harmful habits.

Emotional: Comfortable with your thoughts and feelings and the expression of those around you. Intellectual: Actively engaging with others, obtaining new information, developing ideas, understanding differing views.

Spiritual: Seeking purpose, meaning, and existence beyond our physical surroundings. Living in a way that's consistent with personal values and beliefs.

Occupational: Personal satisfaction of using and developing skills, abilities, and talents. Rewarding to contribute to something greater than oneself.

Social: Actively improving the world around through relational growth and contributing to your community. Not only seeking to limit conflict and division socially, but also seeking to care for the environment.

Imagine a jar with each of these dimensions being poured in, almost like layers of sediment or a pretty parfait. Draw a line between each one and show how much space they currently "fill" in your life. Now consider these questions:

Does one area get more attention than others?

Is this healthy and/or working for me?

Is there something that requires more of my time and energy?

Where do I need to make sacrifices in order to feel more balanced?

Have I been focusing more on the appearance of the jar than it's actual contents?

Now that we have a clear picture of you, let's dive into that relationship of yours. Are you ready?

How do healthy relationships encourage our wellbeing?

Promote growth: The very best relationships we will encounter will support the development of positive habits that promote wellness. Personal growth requires grit, resilience, hard work, and endurance. It's not promised to us. This can be confusing because physical growth occurs naturally and without us working for it. We provide the proper nutrition and care, but honestly it can still occur in the absence of these things. However, if we starve our lives of balance and personal achievements, we suffer from stagnancy, falling behind, or even great loss. A partner that believes you have or can develop the skills needed to achieve your goals is a keeper. The one that discourages personal growth often uses manipulation, control, and power struggles. You may need help deciding what will offset this imbalance.

Communication: Being able to discuss, share, and ask questions about various topics is crucial to personal and relational health. The goal is to know your partner and be known by him or her. Communication is a tool...not.a weapon. Healthy relationships allow us to share thoughts, ideas, and values openly and without judgment. If differing viewpoints have the potential to cause damage in your relationship, explore them further and with the help of mentors, counselors, or that wise couple you look up to.

Disagreements: My counselor friends and I are not impressed when you tell us you and your partner never "fight." I'm assuming we're not talking about throwing punches. Conflict is a normal part of any close relationship, so when someone tells me they do not disagree, I feel concerned and have a lot of questions. When people grow close to one another, their differences naturally become apparent and sometimes influence the relationship. Also, we make mistakes and hurt one another. That's normal, too.

A disagreement is an opportunity to "right" a wrong, understand the other person, share values/beliefs/expectations, and grow closer in the relationship. They do not involve violence of any kind, whether verbal or physical. Hitting, pushing, shoving, swearing, yelling, or any other forceful behavior is not helpful. Now the issue is about safety, respect, and personal boundaries. The original issue has been thrown off the table, further away from being resolved.

The issue is best resolved when both people feel that they’ve had a chance to share their part with the goal of helping the relationship, not tearing it down. Blame, shame, and accusations tear the relationship apart. Describe what you are feeling and how you are impacted by the other person’s behavior with the goal of understanding each other better, not getting the upper hand, winning the fight, or proving them wrong.

Consider the kids: This is where it gets messy. A handful of us are raising our kids with our partners and it's just plain hard at times. Some of us are raising kids with a partner that isn't involved. Some of us are doing it alone. Some of us are raising someone else's kids. Others are longing for kids while their partners are disinterested. A group is marked by the grief of infertility and navigating that road painfully and seemingly alone. People aren't themselves when they're grieving. Pain changes us. Many are single parents, forced by some loss to carry the load mostly alone.

The main point that I hope we all can agree on is this: healthy relationships are not at the sacrifice or cost to others. Especially not our kids. We are all juggling the things that are important to us. We all drop the ball in one way or another. The best advice I've received is to not drop the same ball twice in a row.

When children feel as though your time with them is optional, it can be damaging to your relationship with them as well as their ability to trust others. That’s a lot of responsibility, but consider the adults in your life and how your relationships with them impacted the way you trust others.

Boundaries: A boundary is a rule or limit that’s created to protect the individual and the relationship. It defines behavior toward one another and consequences for boundaries that are crossed. Boundaries are important to every part of our wellness. We need them to make decisions, create balance, and recognize what’s important to us. Sharing them honestly allows others to know our expectations. Many boundaries are based on values and life experiences. They are personal and different for everyone. It’s good to talk about them, but be aware of anyone that tries to persuade you to make changes that may be harmful to you, the relationship, or others.

Fit your life: A healthy relationship functions well with other relationships and in a variety of settings. For example, the relationship blends well with friends, family, or other social groups important to each individual. Life is full of transitions and changes. Healthy relationships will grow, change, and adapt during these times.

As a Whole: When someone values you as an individual, they accept the whole person. Your values, beliefs, standards, and dreams. Relationships grow best out of the places that mean the most to us. Shared interests, ideas, and values. Long-term relationships thrive on being able to do things together and enjoy different aspects of life.

As you imagine your relationship jar brimming with these things, in what ways are you thriving? What areas could use some work? Our jars are constantly filled and emptied and the contents rarely remain the same. Knowing who you are and what is most important to you will assist you in the process of carefully selecting the substance of your life.

3 Steps to a Happy Marriage

If you could travel back in time, when would you choose? What moment would you want to relive? What would be your do-over? How would it change your life today?

Mine would be my wedding and honeymoon. I'd like to change it all, please. Knowing what I know now about the people we would become, I could go back and relax, enjoy the moments, and celebrate each one. If I couldn't convince my former self to elope and have a party when we got back (brilliant idea for any of you that aren't married yet), I would at least pare down the guest list and find ways to make it more unique and personal. I would ignore the critics, allow family members to carry the weight of their own problems (without my assistance), and dance until my feet couldn't hold me up anymore. I would hop on that plane to Tahiti, take a thousand more pictures of the bungalow and crystal blue waters, and stop Eva Longoria and Tony Parker to fan girl the heck out of them. I would take longer to wake up and snuggle more, quiet the fears that marriage is terrifying, and let go of the expectations that crippled my joy and contentment.

Thankfully the wedding doesn't make the marriage. We say that a lot now. I can honestly say that after 13 years, I really like my husband. Not all the time. I'm not a maniac. But we've battled through life by each other's side and I can safely say Wade is my best friend. No one makes me laugh harder, puts up with me better, or loves me the way he does.

This hasn't always been the case. Like I said, not a maniac. We have struggled. When our firstborn was under a year, we went to our mentors and told them we thought our marriage was ending. I cried, he yelled, and they sat mostly in silence. They looked really disappointed in us and I interpreted their silence to mean all hope was lost. I'm sure they did offer hope and wisdom and probably remembered feeling something like it when their kids were young. We were just so tired, still very selfish, and grasping at straws to make this life look like what we both wanted it to be. Pretty standard first child stuff. This wasn't our first challenging time and it wouldn't be our last.

After years of me trying to extinguish the fire of conflict with hot air (aka defending myself, explaining my behavior, giving reasons for my part in problems, etc.), it only seemed to make it worse. Our styles of apology didn't line up. My husband felt invalidated and I felt trapped. I still get rattled when we disagree, but I also know it's going to happen and I can't control it. I try to stick with the topic and not let a pile form, which is pretty easy for both of us to do. Sometimes one of us laughs and it cuts the tension. Sometimes only one of us laughs and that does not cut the tension. He's the only person I know that bounces back from confrontation and doesn't let it wreck the relationship. He accepts my humanity.

So that's enough about us. You're here for 3 easy steps to a happy marriage. I get it. I say all of this because I know the toiling that goes into marriage. That's not a word you hear everyday...and I'm not sure I've ever successfully used it in a sentence (until now...boom), but I think it describes the union perfectly. Working hard, tirelessly, incessantly. Goodness, yes. We've tried so many things, read so many lists, exhausted our attempts to redeem a beautiful, glowing marriage. You may even scoff at the idea that something so complex could not be reduced to any 3 things. And to some degree, I would agree. But it's an awfully good start.

3 Steps:

1. Act justly/fairly

2. Love mercy/kindness

3. Walk humbly

These can be found in Micah 6:8. I know some of you are like, "Girl, I'm not reading that Bible" and I hear you. Really, I do! No pressure...be where you are...you do you. But I can't help it if a verse comes to mind, if the words line up and make the most sense to me. The chapter itself only amplifies my certainty that there's some truth here. You've felt that, right? You've read something and the words are stamped into your heart with such emphasis that you find yourself repeating them later.

I thought of this verse and how simply, but fully it stages our love toward one another. When I read the entire chapter, I found that the verses above were all about toiling and trying and failing and suffering and begging for some sort of solution. And the response was sort of like, "Hello? It's all pretty clear and laid out for you. Do these three things."

Life is HARD. No matter what value system you subscribe to...we are all suspeptible to hardships. The only thing we can control is how we respond to them. I have friends that have suffered in their marriages. I have heard stories about the failings and destruction in their lives. My heart has broken for the beautiful dreams that became nightmares for so many. After therapy, 12 step programs, in-patient treatment, incarceration, infidelity, isolation, and countless other offenses and attempts to heal long time wounds, most of those marriages have ended. In their shoes, I understand why someone had to leave. But many of us are in the stages before all of the destructive behavior and damaging habits.

So what do we do?

We can be fair to one another. Choose justice, which means having boundaries, behaving in a way that lines up with our values/morals/social codes. We hold each other accountable because otherwise, we are enabling one another.

We love mercy and kindness. We forgive each other with kindness and love. Not with a ledger in hand and a record of wrongs that require penance. We are compassionate and gracious, even when we have a case against the other person. We do this, not because it is what we're supposed to do...but because we love what it does for our heart and the relationship.

Walk humbly with God. I know. We're not all here. If you're still reading, even though you aren't here...thank you for hanging with it. I will always be for you. Choosing humility over pride will benefit your relationship. Absolutely. The full verse says walk humbly with your God and it has been my experience that allowing this leadership has shaped my heart in a way I can't do on my own. Humility requires submission, but not in a scary bondage sort of way. We submit to leadership, to guidance, to mentorship. Almost like a parent. We don't shrink away from the idea that children should submit to their parents, so it's easy to grasp (through that lens) what healthy submission can look like. So walking humbly with God tells me that my part is to let go of pride and His part is to hold me accountable to the best thing for my relationship with Him...and him. God and Wade. :) His best has always been better than my plans. So I've grown to prefer the humility that involves walking with him, rather than mustering up the sense to be humble and blindly find where that will go.

So there you have it. Three simple, but complex and difficult steps. It's a process. I can almost guarantee that the steps taken to implement these practices into any of your relationships will have a positive outcome. What will it hurt to try?