Kindness, With Caution

For the month of love (or February, for those that celebrate Valentine's Day and call it quits), our focus has been on showing kindness. We are less than stellar with daily challenges, so I made the boys weekly challenges. Four weeks, three challenges each, one verse to connect to their hearts and change them forever. Obviously. My five year old has difficulty bringing his lunch bag home, bless his heart, so he's sort of just along for the ride. From what I've been told, my eight year old has been completing the tasks each week. He's motivated by how good it feels to show love and help others. At this point, that motivation works and is age appropriate.

This week is all about helping others. Of course it is. Do I have a feel-good story to go along with this theme that also highlights me as a person? Nope. This is the real deal, folks. I thought this blog would be funnier...did I mention that?

SO right at the beginning of our week to help others, I ran into a woman I've "known" for years and have tried to reach out to. We met in a public setting years ago when I saw that she was struggling, that her body was severely damaged, and she was different. The sort of thing that typically causes discomfort, but I felt really drawn to her. It's not my job to tell her story, but right away I learned that she had endured years of trauma and abuse. My heart broke for her. Each time after our first encounter, I would say hello and she would tell the story all over again. She constantly moved her body, even though each step was labored and her body was frail. I tried to help where I could, but I found that no matter how willing she was to move her body, she was not willing to move past that story. It now defined her. It consumed her. She went from saying that she trusted God and that He would sustain her to complete bitterness and disgust for others. As time went on, I started to avoid her in our familiar stomping grounds. Isn't that awful? I tried to help her in so many ways, to put myself in her shoes, to imagine what it would be like to feel so stuck. Out of fear, no doubt, she didn't want to change.

So here we are buying groceries, and she walks by. I honestly thought she was dead, it had been so long since our last encounter. Almost relieved that she was alive, I said her name and asked her how she was. She went on to say things were worse than they had ever been. There was an edge to her tone and I could tell anger was brewing. I looked her in the eye and asked, "What will it take for you to be safe?" I had given specific advice in the past, but people really do need to process change for themselves. She became angry and went on to tell me that people like me weren't helping and that we needed to get her out. I told her it was her life and she said no one would stand by her side. She walked away angry and I didn't know what to say.

I've thought about this incident a lot and hadn't intended to share it. I have mixed feelings about my encounters with this woman. My immediate reaction was that I had "failed" as a believer. That a "better Christian" would have been brave and carried her out of her life that was crumbling. I felt disappointed that all of my efforts meant nothing to her. I felt validating in maintaining boundaries with her. But most of all, I felt so sad for her. She really needs a friend. I bet at some point, it looked like that might be me.

I believe we should reach out to others, move past our comfort zones, and help those in need. My boundaries involved not taking the kids or myself into her dangerous environment, to shield their tiny ears from the horrific details of her life, and to generally guard my heart...whatever that means. I just know a shield was up. Do you know what boundary we needed the most? My honesty.

"I want to help you, but this is what it will look like..."

"I'm sorry. I don't think I'm the person that can help you."

"This is all I will be able to do."

”I don’t know if I can help you, but I can pray for you.”

I don't believe that anything is wasted, so I do feel that there was some purpose to our "relationship." I hope that question is ringing in her heart. "What will it take for you to be safe?" It has been my experience that when someone has a strong reaction to the words we use, it typically means we're getting close to the root of an issue. Someone that hasn't experienced "safety" for years on end would surely feel turned upside down. In counseling, we would often suggest making one small change. One small step away from an old habit is the first step to creating a new one.

I share this story with you to encourage you and challenge you as you reach out to others. Sometimes it's a couple bucks to a person on the side of the exit ramp. Other times, it is someone you see repeatedly. Our kindness is shown not only in reaching out, but considering the heart of the person on the other end of our “good will.” We cannot possibly know all that they are going through, but we can be clear in the ways we will be available to them and ultimately point them to Christ. We weren't meant to depend on one another in life. We are human and we will fail. And that's pretty standard. It was never up to us to carry the weight of the world.